It is also from "Cradle and All" by Ani DiFranco, but that is less impressive.
Home. Where I grew up. The one place that hasn’t changed. The one true constant in my life! ... Hope I can stand it for a whole summer! (I keep forgetting that the college girl is named Elizabeth.)
how long till my soul gets it right can any human being ever reach that kind of light
i call on the resting soul of galileo king of night vision king of insight
-“Galileo,” Indigo Girls
The Week in Review (Yes, i wrote this as i went along.)
I went to the English Dept. picnic. Joan and i ate and mingled a bit. She had work to do, though, so we left after probably less than half an hour. (I had work to do, too, of course -- work that i didn’t want to do. That’s one of the reasons i went to the picnic, to not to work.) I proofread Leilani’s Vertigo paper and then we went back to the picnic since she had missed dinner (which was icky Mexican night anyway). Weird to see professors (and seniors) holding bottles of Sam Adams. Nothing wrong with it, of course, just weird.
I watched Angel. Am i perhaps too much of an English major? I knew the answer was Judas, and with that knowledge realized where they were going with it. I thought, “But without the Betrayal there could be no Redemption” and thought of the last two books of Paradise Lost and stopped myself before i spiraled into a whole reiteration of everything we had learned about Milton’s explanation of why there is suffering in the world. “Days of yore crap... I like you for who you are now.” I thought of Othello and Desdemona, how in class we discussed how Othello’s identity is based on his deeds.
I’m not much with the “primal scream.” I think part of it is because i didn’t feel much stress. I didn’t feel the need to scream. As Britta said, "Pay no attention to the woman behind the facade of calm."
If you’re taking the exam at 7pm tonight, why exactly do you need to be studying in the pool room at 1pm and can’t wait 20 minutes for us to finish the game we started while you were out? Not that i begrudge anyone studytime....
Sunday, productiveness included responding to e-mails from some nice MML people who had thought to e-mail me. As i tried to summarize what had gone on in my life in the last half of this semester i found that my brain was tired. I had gotten enough sleep and everything, just when i went to write and think my brain was really tired. I wrote briefly and then basically said, “I’ll tell you more when i see you.” Today i was chatting with a friend who has had a lot of rough times and is currently in a good relationship and really happy. I want to be really happy for him, and i keep expecting to feel jealous or something, but my heart just feels tired. I’m not sure if it’s because after being so involved when things were rough now that things are good something in me has relaxed and stopped caring, or if my ability to care about anything has simply run out after so much intensity. Will see the other one one week from today. Last night was back to wanting-to-want stage, even though i know i shouldn’t want at all. Right now am simply tired and uncaring.
Roommate took almost all of her stuff home tonight. Room feels eerie.
This is one of the songs from the episode:
it's just a simple line / i can still hear it / all of the time / if i can just hold on tonight / i know that nothing / nothing survives / nothing survives / i think i'm turned around / i'm looking up / not looking down / and when i'm standing still / watching you run / watching you fall / fall into me / *then i make it / something worthwhile / i am displaced / and i make it / something worthwhile / in this chase/ i am displaced / i am displaced* / and she's my friend of all friends / she's still here / everyone's gone / she doesn't have to say a thing / we'll just keep laughing / all night long / all night long / *repeat* / it's just a simple line / i can still hear it / all of the time / if i can hold on tonight / i know that no one / no one survives / no one survives
-Azure Ray, "Displaced"
And this was Sharon’s away message afterward:
"It's no secret that a conscience
can sometimes be a pest
It's no secret inhibition
bites the nails of success
Every artist is a cannibal
Every poet is a theif
All kill their inspiration
and sing about their grief." -U2 ("The Fly")
She hadn’t actually seen the episode yet (was working on a project -- IMed me the next day while i was at dinner: “OH MY GOD!!! I just finished watching my tape of Buffy!!! Where the hell are you?”) but it seemed quite appropriate.
That is all i have to say about the episode. (Oh, except for maybe “Can we say ‘canonically gay’?”) Unless you really want to hear more. I also like Beth’s wise thought.
“you left me with nothing, but i’ve worked with less” -ani
Yeah, that basically sums up my motivation. I woke up at 8:00 to sunlight and birds chirping. I got up and showered and managed to have basically nothing accomplished by lunchtime. How did that happen?
Formulated mental plan during lunch. Finish research paper tonight. Sleep? Study for Milton exam. Take it and then go to group. Come home and write Milton paper. Sleep? Hand in paper, come home, pack, collapse until family arrives to take me home.
do you ever have that dream
when you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you can't make a sound
that's everyday starting now
that's everyday starting now
don't tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight
it's a stiff competition
to see who can stay up later
the stars or the street lights
it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i gotta suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behavior
-Ani DiFranco, “Wish I May”
Never will i ever put things off this much, ever again. I am not uber-student. I should never try to bust out 2 10-page papers (especially when one of them is a research paper) in this short an amount of time.
“It’s a thin line between pleasing yourself and pleasing somebody else” (Indigo Girls, “Thin Line”) “When I tried to make it more it was always less”
Part of me is tempted to just blow it all off. But the saner part of me knows that i would regret that.
I'm coming home with a stone, strapped onto my back.
I'm coming home with a burning hope turning all my blues to black.
I'm looking for a sacred hand to carve into my stone.
A ghost of comfort, angels breath - to keep this life inside my chest.
This world falls on me with hopes of immortality.
-“World Falls,” Indigo Girls
I want to cry. I want to vomit.
Do your best given the circumstances, my mother says. Does a lack of motivation and intelligent thought count as an extenuating circumstance?
Why do i feel like i’ve been here before? Like this time last year? Like that stupid WWI project for AP Euro, for example.
Away message #1:
"I tell parents I hope their kids will call them and say they really hate the school because they're having to work too hard."
-former Smith President Ruth Simmons
Away message #2:
So i think i'm actually going to be intelligent in this research paper. I have thoughts and points and they flow.
Milton on the other hand.... Thankfully i just wanna pull a C in that class. I'll pull a paper out of my ass and hopefully do a decent job on the exam tomorrow.
A message from myself:
Remember, C is average. This means you are an average student of Milton. Nothing outstanding, but you don’t suck.
End transmission. Resume regularly scheduled programming.
Got about 6 hours of sleep.
Finished English Language research paper. Given my current state it’s fairly good. Short, though. Basically half as long as it’s supposed to be. I ended up focusing on too specific a topic. I really like the topic, though, and am definitely not going to expand on it at this point. No energy, no time, no brain left. Am tempted to write professor an apology note. No.
“i’ve got no illusions about you. and guess what? i never did. and when i said i’ll take it, i meant, i meant as is” -ani (“as is”)
“cuz when i look around
i think this, this is good enough
and i try to laugh
at whatever life brings
cuz when i look down
i just miss all the good stuff
when i look up
i just trip over things”
I feel much better and more capable of making it through now that the research paper is done. My Milton paper will be such shit, but i think i can do decently on the exam and i just want a C in the class.
Chatted with Maggie and with Sharon. Breaths of sanity. Oh, soon i will once again be a part of the real world.
Mantra for the day: "Done is better than good."
My mom IMed me this afternoon:
You CAN do it
You WILL do it
and we'll peel you off the floor Sat AM
Took Milton exam. Am really hoping i can pull a C in this class. That exam and this paper... they’re some of the reasons why after the English Department redid the course numbers to more accurately reflect the progression of difficulty, this 228 will be a 308.
Went to group.
Worked on the Milton paper. I think Margot’s away message basically summed it up:
Infinitely many monkeys
In infinitely many towns
Sitting at infinitely many typewriters
Pushing infinitely many keys down
Over infinitely many pages
Over infinitely many days
Could write a far better paper than the one I currently work on.
Of course i really should have gone to the professor many times earlier in the semester. My work for the class would probably suck less if i had done that. Because i’m so used to being able to do it all on my own that i have issues approaching people to ask for help. I really need to get over that.
I keep learning these lessons, about not procrastinating and about asking for help and everything, but i think maybe this time i really learned them.
Allison came down and hung out for an hour or so. She is one of the people i am really going to miss not being around next year.
Rebecca and i were gonna play pool, but someone was studying in there, so instead she packed and i watched and we made crazy sleep-deprived talk for a couple of hours. I waxed philosophic about college and changing and friends and stuff.
Finished the Milton paper. Bringing “done is better than good” to new heights (depths?). I don’t think i would have had more to say about any of the other topics, though. Sigh. The sad thing is, i actually understand most of the themes we talked about in class and could probably talk about them intelligently. It’s just not exactly showing up in my exam and my final paper. The fact that i care so very little about this final paper is also really not helping.
I think i’m going to fail Milton. This thought makes me mildly ill. I’ve never failed a class before.
Guess i’ll be taking Shakespeare and Chaucer for sure (to fulfill the Major Figures requirement for the English major).
Still, sense of accomplishment after handing in papers. Will pack after lunch. Then will really be done with my first year of college.
“if we wait for the time till all souls get it right then at least i know there'll be no nuclear annihilation in my lifetime”
-Indigo Girls, “Galileo”