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burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness
 
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Wednesday, April 24th, 2002

Time Event
1:19a
somebody give me a hug
Monster's Ball was tonight's Rec Council movie. It was disturbing in a lot of ways, and not just the ways i think it was meant to be disturbing. There was just a lot about race relations/power dynamics that was unnerving. Someone like zinestar mimi could write a lot more thoughtfully and intelligently than i can, though.

And how did Halle Berry get an Oscar for that role? (Though there is that issue of people getting Oscars for roles they don't deserve them for because they were passed over for roles they did deserve them for. I really don't know movies or Oscars or anything, so i'm gonna stop now.) I was very impressed with Billy Bob Thornton, though.

There was some sort of vigil/rally thing in the quad tonight. There was yet another racist/homophobic incident.

So i came back from Monster's Ball with this feeling in the air that the whole campus was on edge. I sat down and opened up my e-mail. I see one from my mom: "remember Olive?" (Olive is a long-time family friend who's around 90 and lives in a nursing home.) I saw the subject line of the e-mail and knew she must have died. Yup. She died today (Tuesday). Funeral's on Friday. My mom said, "She sure was ready to go, but hard to believe she's gone."

I finally sat down and read the list of demands from the Students' Grassroots Organizing group. I don't agree with all of them.

I really have no desire to think about any of this, actually.

I'm going to bed now.
11:29a
This morning the screw popped out of my glasses, and this time i lost the screw. Sigh.

Reading livejournals this morning i learned more about what's going on on campus, and actually read some thoughtful discussion. There's a walkout today. I don't have classes today, but i wouldn't walk out anyway. I don't like the threatening feeling that this whole thing has. I don't feel like the administration is the enemy here. I'm sure there are things they could do better, but just because some students did some awful things doesn't mean the administration is evil. I don't agree with all the demands, and i know i'm not alone in that, and some people have pointed out that the administration may end up adopting policies which aren't really a good idea because they look evil if they don't agree to the demands. I'm all for negotiation, but i feel like a lot of pressure is being put on the administration, in a way that can be counterproductive. (Also back to what i quoted yesterday. Making people defensive, vilifying people, leads to fear and defensiveness, which is not conducive to getting anything resolved.)

I really like this post.

"you better practice happiness
you better practice humility
you took the air, you took the time
you were fed and you were free
now you'd better put some beauty back
while you got the energy"
-Ani DiFranco, "back back back"
2:20p
It's eerie to see most of the campus in black. I'm not wearing black because (1) i don't own any plain black shirts, (2) i didn't know this was planned until after i'd gotten dressed, and (3) i don't know exactly what the wearing black is supposed to symbolize. Is it solidarity with the Grassroots Organization? 'Cause while i respect what they're trying to do, i don't agree with all their demands. In LJland i found: "We are asking staff and students to wear black tomorrow (Wednesday, April 24) as a sign of solidarity against intolerance." That i can agree with. But like i said, i don't own any black shirts anyway. It's weird, though. I feel like because i'm not wearing black i'm seen as not supportive or something. Oh well.

Since i basically blew off any work yesterday, i was gonna be a good kid today. I didn't get up until 9:30 so i would be all rested and everything. And suddenly i have no day left. I got my glasses fixed and bought comfort food, and here's the rest of my day:

4pm: all-college meeting
5:45pm: "brown-out" at Gardiner (the house which has had the most incidents recently) I hear there's gonna be discussion and stuff, but i haven't decided if i'm gonna go or not.
7pm: Vertigo screening for my Lit. Study class
9pm: house meeting to discuss the events of the past few weeks

It's gonna be a long night. Not to mention, the tension all over campus is not helping my focus or motivation to do schoolwork. My apathy to write about Paradise Lost and Pride and Prejudice (interesting titles given the current campus situation) and such seems so much less important in the face of this.


Joan's away message:
“Where are we going? And why am I in this hand basket?"
– Bumper sticker
3:33p
I don’t know if my mom’s read my LJ recently, but she got a briefing in my e-mail last night, which ended with “I need a hug.”

Today she e-mailed me back:

I can't really send you a hug,
but you can curl up with Pooh and pretend.
I love you, sweetie.
mommy


Do you ever get that feeling that you’re loved so much it makes you ache inside?

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