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burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness
 
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Wednesday, May 1st, 2002

Time Event
2:00a
Loving people hurts so much sometimes.
I was talking to one of my favorite people tonight, and he’s been having some really rough times. Among other things, he talked to a guy he used to be in love with, whom he’s still been sort of holding a torch for for a year. Turns out the guy’s basically a loser. My friend told him how he’s never fully gotten over him and “then he tells me how he's nothing special and he thinks anyone who could feel that way about him is basically a fool... I told him not to attempt to define other people's feelings for you in terms of your own self... sometimes you mean more to people than you could have guessed...” We got into a discussion about various things, but as conversations about love with this boy always do, we ultimately got back to the problem of wanting to be in love but being afraid of being hurt so badly again. Which brought us back to one of our favorite quotes from the 4/14/02 Ani show.

"Sorrow makes us so raw, opens us right up; just like joy does, just like love does. And i think that's what counts -- the openness, not the up or down."

A friend had posted the lyrics to the wonderful song which closed tonight’s WOW Buffy ep. They seemed so appropriate for this situation.

Who would sell their soul for love or waste one tear on compromise
Should be easy enough, to know a heartache in disguise
But the heart rules the mind and the going gets rough
Pride takes the fall when you find that kind of love
I can't help feeling like a fool since I lost that place inside
Where my heart knew its way and my soul was ever wise
Once innocence was lost, there was not faith enough
Still my heart held on when it found that kind of love
Though beauty is rare enough, still we trust
Somehow we'll find it there with no guarantee
It seems to me, at least it should be fair
But if it's only tears and pain, isn't it still worth the cost
Like some sweet saving grace or a river we must cross
If we don't understand what this life is made of
We learn the truth when we find that kind of love
Cause when innocence is lost, there is not faith enough
We learn the truth when we find that kind of love

-Alison Krauss, “That Kind of Love” (written by Michael McDonald)

Another friend from high school whom i haven’t talked to in a while (not the one i posted about on Monday; a different one) IMed and asked what was up. My response?

Too much work, no motivation.
Recovering from the insanity of racist/homophobic/classist shit on campus last week.
Loving people so much it hurts (as in, people i love hurt, so i hurt for them).
Being reassured and supported by the people i love.
But no, really, i'm good.
You?


Yeah, i was in one of those moods. I had just finished my hourlong conversation with Joe. It was okay, though. I really should catch up with her sometime when i’m not spacey and overwhelmed and having multiple conversations at once. (I was at one time tonight IMing 4 people at once. Craziness.) Part of me doesn’t even want to get back in touch with high school people, though. I feel so far removed from that world. I am a slightly different person, but more than that i inhabit such a different world. Different people make up my social world. The things i think and talk about are so different from the stuff that made up our lives in high school. I think part of it is that i’m just lazy; i don’t want to make the effort to fill people in on the past 9 months of my life. But i do still care about some of these people, so i am going to tell myself to make the effort. Besides, i’ll be filling in lots of grown-ups on at least generalities. Why should my last year’s friends get less consideration?

There is a possibility that Layna, Jessikins, Erin, and i will all get together this weekend for babble and hot chocolate. This makes me very happy.


Behold, an actual activist. You know, one who is active. Sharon, i thought of you.


I found this quote randomly tonight and looked it up on amazon. Turns out we have the book at home. (See, mom.) Now i wanna read it when i get home.

"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
-Trina Paulus, Hope for the Flowers


Current Mood: weary

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