May 28th, 2002

you think you know...

Yeah, i know, i haven't been online much recently.

Okay, finally updating.

On Tuesday, Joe came over. I think i walked another 6 miles that day -- to Joe's house and back twice and also to Victory and back because we were out of chocolate chips. And Joe didn't say anything about all the walking, which surprised me because last time we hung out we wandered around the cemetery before walking to my house and as we were nearly to my house he said something like, "How can you do it? All this walking," ('cause i walk everywhere) and we'd only been walking for a half an hour or something. Anyway, we hung out from about 1-5 last Tuesday. We made chocolate chip cookies. I used to do that all the time with friends when i was a kid, and even in junior high and high school i would do it with my best friend. (No, i didn't mean for that to sound dirty. *cringes*) Anyway, i love making chocolate chip cookies, especially with friends, and he's so cute. I don't do the whole "Let's pretend we're God making the world" thing that i did with my friends when we were kids, but he got the idea to throw chocolate chips into the batter like meteors, and he enjoys it so much, like a little kid. It's so cute.

And now, switching gears.

On Thursday, Brian Morrisson, who used to go to my church, came into the library when i was working. He asked if i'd gotten involved in any Christian groups at college. I said, no, i'd been busy with school and friends and stuff so i really hadn't gotten involved in anything. He seemed disappointed and said stuff like, "Well, I thought you would, since you were raised in a church" and talked about how "Jesus calls us to the salt and the light" and he's been trying to witness to people more and if we're embarrassed about Him (Jesus/God) then He'll be embarrassed of us come Judgement Day. Yeah, way to make me feel about half an inch tall. Plus, what was actually going through my mind was, "Actually, i'm really questioning religion recently and while i do believe in God i'm not so sure about Christianity in general and religion just hasn't been a really important part of my life recently oh and by the way i'm queer, which i don't feel conflicts at all with true Christianity but i know a lot of people like you will have serious problems with it."

I went back and gave Michele a hug and she asked what was wrong and i told her and apparently she's not really a fan of Brian herself and she told me i'm a good and loving person and no one should make me feel bad about myself. This is why i need to keep Michele around. (One of the many reasons.) She's very much one of those "Don't talk politics or religion with me" people, and believes that it's your own business and no one else's. I'll argue most anything with anyone (so long as i know something about the issue) but on an academic level. My best friend and i used to have discussions about various aspects of Catholicism and Protestantism, because she was very much Catholic and i was very much not, but we weren't trying to convert each other, we were just discussing. I don't totally believe that my religion is no one else's business, but i definitely shouldn't be made to feel badly about not living my religion the way other people think i should. My church wasn't a big witnessing, proselytizing, etc. church. It's becoming more of one now with the younger people who are becoming the church (a lot of the older people have died or left) but that's not what i'm used to. Add to this the fact that i believe in a loving God who isn't going to eternally damn anyone, regardless of his or her religious beliefs on Earth.

I was thinking later about what Brian had said about being called to be the salt and the light. Honestly, i'd rather be a warm blanket. If my epitaph is "She was a good and loving person" i will be very happy. I like helping people, comforting them. I think it is much more important to be a good person than to believe in the "right" religion. Beth-from-work-not-Beth-from-LJ said maybe i should be a masseuse, maybe that's my real calling, because i have a habit of giving shoulder massages to certain stressed out people at work. I don't want to do that as a career, though, giving massages to strangers 8 hours a day. I like just doing it for certain people i care about very much. I think i'm making God much happier by doing that than by "witnessing" to these people. I know i for one get very uncomfortable when people "witness" to me. If you wanna discuss religion, faith, spirituality, whatever with me, fine, i'm all for it, but i'm not a fan of people making me feel like i'm not a good person because i don't share their beliefs.

And now on a completely random note...

So i've been feeling crampy and being annoyed at that because usually having my period doesn't affect me at all, and i thought of Ani's "Independence Day" (because everything relates to Ani or Whedonverse, right :) ) -- "did i ever tell you how i stopped eating when you stopped calling me i was cramped up and shitting rivers for weeks and pretending that i was finally free." It seemed quite appropriate since this weekend i finally got over this sort of a crush that i had, and it's a really long story that i'm not going to share, but basically i was all emotionally achy for a day or so and then i realized, "Girl, you lost a fantasy. You realized that this fantasy you'd been playing in your head is absolutely never gonna happen. This is a good and healthy thing. Now you can just have a real relationship with this person. Get yourself together, girl." So now i'm feeling much better, except with the cramps and the lots of bleeding (the latter of which i wouldn't mind at all except for the inconvenience it causes).

I felt like crying
To your half asleep heart
No reason, really
Sometimes I just fall apart
-Catie Curtis, "Just Getting By"

me: life's been boring recently, which is a good thing i guess.
Beth: hm, boring in the peaceful way or in the on the verge of banging your head against a wall way?

LOL. Gotta love friends who understand. Boring is good, but only in moderation. I am so glad i am going back to work tomorrow. (Technically, today.) See people, do stuff other than sit around and read, and of course with the money making. 15 hours the first week, then 24 hours last week, and then 31 hours this week. Yay for the mad paycheck i will be receiving. :) I need to actually make some sort of a to-do-list, though, because there are various things i need to get done, some even by actual deadlines, and i'm definitely not awash in free time.

(And because Beth made me think of this song and i really like it.)
you think you know...

"why me? why this now? why this way?"

I have a headache. I really don't like this because it means that i don't want to do anything involving mental effort, like all the writing i should be doing -- long overdue letters, for one. So i'm attempting a livejournal entry instead. And will maybe even get caught up on LJ comments.

I have to say that i love the MML staff.

Last week i was up in Tech Services and they had 2 copies of the Harry Potter VHS and 2 copies of the DVD (not yet barcoded and everything, but still), and i said i was excited that we had them because that meant i would finally get to see the movie. (I was gonna see it the day it opened, but everyone i was gonna see it with was in NYC for a Cake concert that Thursday, so they just stayed in the city for the weekend and saw it there. Then Smith was gonna show it during spring semester, but somehow it never happened.) So this evening while i was working desk, Judy Zvracky (sp?) came down and told me that she had just brought down the Harry Potter videos though she hadn't done the DVDs yet and which did i want and i said the video and she even went and got it for me. That made me happy, that she had remembered that i wanted to see it and thought to tell me and everything.

Also, i worked 10-6 and a lot of times Michele is just by herself from 5-6, but she's head of the department and i'm only a part-timer, plus the first day after a long weekend is always busy, so Marcia was gonna work from 5-9. But something came up so Marcia couldn't work, and no one else was available, so even though Cindy had already worked 9-5 she stayed until 6 with me. It alternated between busy and slow but was never super-busy, and nothing too crazy came up, but i was very grateful that she stayed.

Oh, and coming to the irrevocable realization that you can never be with someone, and reminding yourself that you never actually really wanted to be with that person, is not the same thing as actually being "over" said person. Crush still persists. Am i doomed to always have dysfunctional relationships? Though to be fair i really haven't had all that many (none in the actual dating sense) and as i keep pointing out to Joe when he bemoans his inevitable life of solitude, "You're only 19. You've got your whole life ahead of you." We are wonderful people and therefore wonderful things will happen to us and eventually we will have wonderful monogamous relationships, because i said so.

I think i need to start writing again, creative writing, because not only am i playing out scenarios in my head (I always do that.) but i'm creating lofty, melodramatic dialogue that i wish i could get away with in real life. Either i read too much or i need a creative outlet. Since the former is impossible, it must be the latter.

Pops Concert tomorrow. Must remember to go home right after work so we can go. For the first time i will see all of the Pops Concert. I will not be a part of it. The actual paying for admission to school concerts isn't such a big adjustment, but the idea of being there for umpteen hours of grades 5-12 (or is it 6-12?) is weird. Although we play easy music for Pops, it's the biggest concert of the year in that everyone goes and just about everyone performs. It will be so weird to actually be there for all of it.
  • Current Music
    Ani DiFranco - "grey" (in my head)
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