burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness|
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Sunday, November 17th, 2002
|Big thank you to tralf2001!
I now have an mp3 of "Blue" by Angie Hart and Joss Whedon from BtVS
7.7 "Conversations with Dead People."
All my friends who've been wanting one, hit me up on AIM and i'll send it right along.
|Even the snow can't improve my mood.
I don't really know how to do all the homework i have left to do. I have papers and presentations wherein i don't know what to say, and a Linguistics assignment i don't know the answers to.
Every time i eat recently my stomach feels weird. And it hasn't taken much to make me feel full.
I hate that every time i have a crush on someone, when it ends i wholesale dislike the person. I hate that right now i dislike Sara but part of me still sort of (wants to) has a crush on her and wants her to like me (as a friend).
I didn't go to church this morning, and i think that was the right decision. I like when i know what the right choice is and i make it. I dislike that so often i can't figure out what the right choice is.
I don't know what i want. I don't know what to do to make it better.
So i'm going to go to the library for my research paper because perhaps a change of scenery will do me good and it's something that has to get done anyway.
|Never underestimate the power of fresh air, a change of scenery, and snow.
After i left my house i saw Sherry, a girl in my Soc class who lives in one of the houses next to mine. She's from California and this is her first real snow. We chatted for a while and that was really nice.
I had forgotten how wonderful and improving fresh air and being outside and walking can be. I realized that i'm almost always inside, usually sitting. I need to walk outside in the fresh air more often i think.
And as i was walking to the library i thought, "She's only a girl. Stop obsessing."
"I am only the girl who was in love with you."
But really, not all life has to be a saga. My life is good and i need to remember that and seek out the positive and the beautiful and the comforting and the empowering and not create all this drama and angst for myself.
I have a pile of articles on Coleridge’s Christabel
to read for my Romantics research paper, and for fun i have Camille Paglia’s Sexual Personae
because she has interesting things to say about Wordsworth and Coleridge.
I finally put Magritte’s The Return
up over my bookcase.When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Yay for not being a big ole bucket o’ angst.
And i need to remember to go for walks. Every day i think.
|I would just like to state that i have wonderful people in my life.
I have people who understand and respect my approach to issues and support me.
I have people who insist on my right to angst away in my journal.
I have people who love me and who hug me.
"There is a healing in this night."
Also, despite the fact that it is raining, there is still lots of snow on the ground. And there was yummy cake for dessert tonight. These things also make me happy.
|Here we go again.
I haven't talked to Sara all day and i feel like i'm going to cry. I know i'm not, but i have this feeling in my stomach like i'm going to.
I love spending time in Layna's room because she is a thoughtful and interesting person whose company makes me happy. Plus her room is really positive.
Now i am back in my room, though, and wish i were chatting with Sara hearing about how her weekend went, but i'm not. I'm going to make myself read essays about Christabel
because i really want to get that done tonight and with the whole crying vibe i really don't wanna approach Sara anyway.
I'm getting weary of this emotional roller coaster thing.