I don't really know how to do all the homework i have left to do. I have papers and presentations wherein i don't know what to say, and a Linguistics assignment i don't know the answers to.
Every time i eat recently my stomach feels weird. And it hasn't taken much to make me feel full.
I hate that every time i have a crush on someone, when it ends i wholesale dislike the person. I hate that right now i dislike Sara but part of me still sort of (wants to) has a crush on her and wants her to like me (as a friend).
I didn't go to church this morning, and i think that was the right decision. I like when i know what the right choice is and i make it. I dislike that so often i can't figure out what the right choice is.
I don't know what i want. I don't know what to do to make it better.
So i'm going to go to the library for my research paper because perhaps a change of scenery will do me good and it's something that has to get done anyway.
After i left my house i saw Sherry, a girl in my Soc class who lives in one of the houses next to mine. She's from California and this is her first real snow. We chatted for a while and that was really nice.
I had forgotten how wonderful and improving fresh air and being outside and walking can be. I realized that i'm almost always inside, usually sitting. I need to walk outside in the fresh air more often i think.
And as i was walking to the library i thought, "She's only a girl. Stop obsessing."
"I am only the girl who was in love with you."
But really, not all life has to be a saga. My life is good and i need to remember that and seek out the positive and the beautiful and the comforting and the empowering and not create all this drama and angst for myself.
I haven't talked to Sara all day and i feel like i'm going to cry. I know i'm not, but i have this feeling in my stomach like i'm going to.
I love spending time in Layna's room because she is a thoughtful and interesting person whose company makes me happy. Plus her room is really positive.
Now i am back in my room, though, and wish i were chatting with Sara hearing about how her weekend went, but i'm not. I'm going to make myself read essays about Christabel because i really want to get that done tonight and with the whole crying vibe i really don't wanna approach Sara anyway.
I'm getting weary of this emotional roller coaster thing.