June 30th, 2003

angry - books


I am both petty and pretty. I really don't think i'm being petty about this, though.

I keep being really tempted to say something to Ashley, but what is there to say really? She's exactly right and i'm unapologetic.

"Believe me, i will always call you on your shit, and i will never stop caring about you."
-me, to Joe

I was thinking last night about how i'm not a fan of immaturity at all, but then it was occurring to me that i can be a total goof with my friends/family at times. If i had to choose between being serious my entire life or being goofy i would choose serious no hesitation, but there is absolutely value in being silly and just having fun and stuff. I'm not up for figuring out the specifics of how it all works in my head, though.

"Our friendship can often times be very rewarding, but you have to sometimes endure the sucky stuff that is associated with it."
-a friend of mine, on a different friendship

"He cannot tolerate what he does not know"
-from Rushdie's Satanic Verses

In other news, i had so many issues with today's sermon. All about the power of prayer and stuff. What bothered me was the emphasis that God will give you whatever you ask for. That is absolutely untrue, and a misrepresentation of God. I was having flashes of the end of Bruce Almighty when he's saying "I just gave everyone what they wanted" and God replies, "Since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?" There's also the message in the movie that people ask/blame God for everything when really they need to take responsibility for their own lives; cue Ghandi: "Be the change you want to see in the world." There are so many problems i have with "my" church that i was/am so tempted to write the pastor a letter saying, "Here is a list of all the things i would pray God to change except that i believe in taking action, not just praying for God to do the work." (Oh! That's another thing. Pastor Bill talked about how God can change people's hearts, stuff like that, and internally i was screaming FREE WILL! I do sort of believe in God's ability to change hearts, but i think it's more like a guiding thing; God can prime you be arranging various incidences and then offer an emotional suggestion or something [i really haven't thought this out terribly thoroughly] but God definitely can not just flip a switch and effect a change of heart.)

The Cottons had us over for a cookout and it was yummy and there was cake and ice cream and i got a Care Bear card with money and they're lovely people. This was not sufficient to fully dispel my mood, though. Also, we got to talking about people having children and then hiring nannies and such, barely seeing their kids. If you're going to have kids, you had better be involved in their lives. Being involved in the lives of children can be the greatest way to improve the world/future, but that is light years away from having children just because. (See also my issues surrounding bearing children of your biological own when there are so many children already born who need homes.)

Everyone's very excited about my trip to England, except me. I worry about what if there's an issue with my ticket and what if everyone in my classes is way smarter than i am and i worry about packing and so on. People go on and on about all the traveling i can do while i'm over there and i keep mentioning my limited funds/time. (Plus, traveling just doesn't excite me like it does some people.)

As i was writing this, though, i started actually getting excited. I'm going to England, to take classes. I will be in another country, pretty much on my own, but still having housing and some meals provided. I will be taking classes in a totally different format. I will have lots of great stories, will make new friends, will make a lovely scrapbook when i return, not to mention everyone will be jealous. (I said at the beginning that i'm petty. Work with me here.) But really, this will be a fabulous experience. I'm more excited about the experience in general than about any specifics of it.

And i have really good friends whom i should keep in touch with better. I feel better now than i did when i started this entry hours ago.

Sleep now. Frightening to-do list this week.

And playing right now:

32 Flavors
Ani DiFranco

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and i have done well by their names
just the kindness i've lavished on strangers
is more than i can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so i would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
till i'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying past

i'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way
no, i will never be a saint
but i will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said