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burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness
 
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Monday, March 1st, 2004

Time Event
12:58a
Much with the sleepiness this weekend. Blergh. I think i liked it better when i was sleep-anorexic, ‘cause then i was functional, but this weekend i’ve been almost perpetually groggy.

UMass paper finally started coming together around 4pm today. And now it’s finished. In so much as i ever get to relax, i now get to relax this week.

From an IM conversation with my brother tonight:
     is ur essay wicked long
     cuz its been goin on all weekend

susiebabylon, i haven’t finished my write-up about “A Hole in the World,” but the transcript for “Smile Time” is up.

My brother, asking me for some help with English homework:
     is a minor character anyone who isnt major
     so a story could have 30 minor characters
     no such thing as a cameo in literature?
1:00a
Today, March 1, is National Self-Injury Awareness Day here in the States. (It does not get a Google doodle.)

Prompt #30 in thetendermuse is "Write about a scar, figurative or literal."

This segues nicely into fox1013’s post on self-injury awareness, which people have pointed out of course applies to so many other illnesses as well. Reading it made me want to go back to NHS and work with the Health Ed program. (Okay, what doesn’t make me wanna do that, really?)

I don’t self-injure (have i mentioned that i don’t do pain well?), but i know people who do or have.

So i’m posting this to remind us all. Because i know i need to be better educated about so many things. Because i need to remember that not everyone even knows about all the issues i take for granted.
5:12p
Well today was a grand day for getting any work done. (sarcasm) Ann Musser wanted me to help with a mailing, but it would have taken 10 minutes to explain and she didn't have a spare moment. Nancy Rich had wanted me to continue work on a database or something, but she, too, was too busy to be able to explain the project to me. Stacey wanted me to help her count money (which is one of my favorite project-y things) but for various reasons (including, i think, the fact that i was gonna be doing work for Ann Musser) i couldn't. And Ann Johnson wanted me to do a GroupWise address book group for Suzannah, but none of the passwords worked, so i couldn't. So i got all the filing and photocopying done and read 20 pages of Clarissa.

I enjoy the fact that there's a big ole banner in N-G archway encouraging people to vote in tomorrow's primaries. I don't want any of them to win from what i know and have been too lazy to do more research, so i won't be voting. Yes, i fully expect lilithchilde to beat me up tomorrow.
Self Injury Awareness Panel

Confused about self injury? Come to this panel and separate the myths from the facts! Speakers on this panel include students who self injure, students who have done so in the past, and allies. Help raise awareness about this misunderstood issue!

The panel will be held on Tuesday, March 2, in Seelye room 109, beginning at 4:30pm.
I would love to go (wanting to get better educated and be supportive and all that) but i'm not missing my UMass class and meeting samfeasor, with less than 24 hours notice to boot. Despite my phear that it will end up feeling like every perzine i have ever read, it sounds like it has the potential to be amazing, but with the short notice and the meeting samfeasor and all... yeah, i'm gonna regret not going, but it takes a lot to make me miss class. I should find out from Connie who's doing it (i saw a flyer for a Feb. 12 thing sponsored by Healthy Heads) 'cause i'd definitely like to get involved as an ally (and it dovetails nicely with my work with Bodywise).

(The fact that the item directly below that, and thus not immediately identifiable as a separate item is "Photo exhibition: Difference: SELF, LOVE AND PHOTOGRAPHY" is, well, interesting.)

Generally my reaction to this sort of thing is a fairly flip "Oh boy! Another awareness day/week/month! Bet Smith's having a vigil/dinner/panel/dinging/moment of silence/moment of zen/chalking/rave/orgy/ani difranco concert/rave about it somewhere, so where and when?"
-kjpepper


Links i've seen posted (though i haven't checked them out yet):
http://www.selfinjury.org/nsiad/
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

Also, fox1013 created si_pact (PACT = Prevention, Awareness, Communication, and Treatment).


[And on a totally trivial note, i've had a fragment of a song stuck in my head and can't place it and Google has been unhelpful. "Oh my love I have been betrayed (deceived?)..." Anyone?]

Edit: I remembered; it's Greg Greenway. And looking through my CDs it's from "I Have Been Betrayed": "Oh, my love, I have been betrayed / by the thoughts I think, / by the words I say / Oh, my love, I have been deceived / by the war raging inside of me."
8:55p
So, the first thing i learned tonight is that the Gospels were likely not written by the people they are named for. Way to chisel away at my faith even more. *sigh*

I got myself a copy of the book tonight and look forward to reading it. Can't believe i haven't heard a peep from you yet. One thing Peter talked about, which made me think of you, was that when the canon was being codified, the Gospel of John was included in part to balance the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke, because they focused on the humanity of Jesus (as does the Gospel of Thomas) while the Gospel of John focused on the divinity of Jesus, and the person in charge of the codifying felt it was necessary to include both those emphases. (My impression is that the thrust of the book is "What would Christianity be like if the Gospel of Thomas had been included instead of the Gospel of John, or if they had both been included?")

In her first chapter, Elaine Pagels asks "What is about Christian tradition that we love---and what is it that we cannot love?" So Peter asked us what we love about Christianity, and what we don't love about it, and what draws us to it.

What i love and don't love is a relatively easy question. I love the emphasis on loving everyone and being good to the least of these (though of course that is found in so many other communities that it can't be what keeps me here) and i don't love the exclusivity, the idea that there is only one way to Heaven (though if we wanna be technical, i do believe there is only one way to Heaven: through the grace of God, but i believe we are all going to Heaven).

What draws me to Christianity is also relatively easy, in that i have the answer ready, but it's certainly a more complicated answer. (I was reminded of the whole "Why am i an English major?") I grew up in a Protestant church, so i still feel attached to it. It was interesting listening to so many people talk about growing up in Christian traditions where you didn't question (and thus rejecting that, but rejecting Christianity wholesale and later finding their way back, reclaiming the good parts) because one of the things i have always loved most about Protestantism is the (empashis on the) ability to question, the fact that it is you and the Bible and God. That is the only reason i am still here, in this tradition -- the fact that it is not inflexible.

Christianity is a very intellectual exercise for me (gee, what a surprise, given that that's how i approach everything else). My mother gently points out that it is called "faith" for a reason, and i retort that i have made the God leap (i absolutely insist on believing in a loving Creator God) but everything else has to be proved to me. I know i'm not going to get "proof" per se, but if given the historical evidence and all the scholarship that has been done on it, i feel like Jesus really did rise on the 3rd day then i have to be a Christian, because it is True (yes, lilithchilde, me and my capital T Truth again), and if i really don't believe that he did, then i can't be a Christian, because it was a lie. (Yes, sk8eeyore, your post about the "Jesus: Lunatic, Liar or Lord?" lecture has raised interesting points about this which i really will get to at some point -- part of my giant Trinity post -- and i really need to reread the New Testament and figure out exactly what Jesus said about himself in relation to God, but for now, this is where i am.)

So basically what it comes down to, is that i am drawn back because i suspect it is True. On an intellectual level i understand the draw of the community and the singing and the rituals, and every once in a while it resonates with me, but i have to believe it on an intellectual level before the trappings or community with the like-minded will really resonate.

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