June 29th, 2004

small girl in big world [_extraflamey_]

But will you still respect me in the morning?

Had a weird dream last night. I was walking with a new friend and she asked me, hesitantly as if she was anxious not to offend, what my political orientation was. And i tried to explain that it really depended on the issue, trying desperately to avoid admitting that i identitified as right of center. (For the record, in the awake world i have sympathies on both sides and depending on what issue we're talking about i sound right of center or left of center; i don't feel comfortable solidly identifying as either since i think neither is accurate enough for me. I've recently been inclining towards identifying myself as libertarian, but i really don't feel comfortable claiming any political label for myself yet. "I also don't like labels in general because they don't benefit me--they benefit those around me. I don't need to pick a word to describe myself for other people--I am what I am and there doesn't need to be a label to proclamate it. Labels don't better me, they describe me to others." -purplepants) I'm guessing the dream was 'cause i've been reading lots of books by conservatives recently and working on LJ entries and having anxiety about eventually posting them 'cause i feel like there's only so conservative i'm allowed to be, that there's some undefined line somewhere where one crosses over to the Dark Side and i keep insisting that my LJ is for me and that i just like getting people's input and my self-worth is not determined by how many LJers like me and it's my LJ so if i wanna talk about politics that's fine, but hi i'm still human, definitely not wholly divorced from anxiety about other people's approval even when i know it's irrational.

The other interns at Teen Voices today were talking about Michael Moore's new movie while we were hanging out before training started and i was just staying quiet. Then someone mentioned GWB's cousin's involvement in FOX, which was the first station to announce that Bush had won Florida, and i had just been reading about this in a conservative's book and i said the call was made around 2am and everyone else had the numbers that said Bush won but they had already called Florida for Gore before the polls had closed and actually cost Bush votes by announcing the polls were closed before they really were and soon we were arguing about (who won) the Florida recounts.

I like arguing with people, though i always feel like everyone else has more facts than i do, but damn i hate that feeling like i'll be lynched if i open my mouth, when everyone is heartily agreeing with each other and you know you're not allowed to agree on points of any real substance. I like to think that most people are in fact willing to respectfully debate, but listening to people when they think everyone listening agrees with them makes me deeply pessimistic (more than that it just hurts). I am deeply deeply grateful for Meredith and Allie and the other people i have in my life with whom i can disagree but still remain friends, the people with whom i'm allowed to be me.

My father was saying the other night that one way group identities are defined is by who you're allowed to hate. (Of course everyone agrees hate is bad, but [almost?] every group has people whom the group members agree are evil and thus we should hate them.)

During the conversation about the MM film, someone mentioned that yes it is manipulative, but so is everything else we see. It kills me that i have such high standards, that i want everyone else to want dispassioned presentations of facts and interpretations that are honest about their biases/agendas but cite all their sources (who should themselves be upfront about their own biases/agendas) and don't insult their opponents, because that's the stuff i want and i think the world would be such a better place if everyone went about things that way, but people think (perhaps rightly) that most people don't want that, would find it boring, so they make things dramatic and emotional and jokingly insult the opposition and all that and it pains me.
taken out of context

Oh, in lighter news,

They had lots of paperback copies of Fast Food Nation (a book i actually recommend) leftover from somethingorother, so i took home one of those. They recently got sent boxes of New York Minute novelizations and CD soundracks and pink Mean Girls emory boards, so if anyone's interested, drop me a line and i'll see if they have any left when i go in on Thursday.