April 16th, 2006

(hidden) wisdom

Easter

I overslept on Saturday and thus actually got ~8hrs of sleep.  Come 9pm I was tired, though.  (Walking ~5 miles will do that, huh? ;) )  I was in bed by 10.

I actually woke up at 7:43am this morning, but was lazy and didn't get up until 8:44am.

Mmm, sleep.


Conversation with alixtii last night prompted me thinking yet again about how I am so not committed to this Christianity thing.  I was actually feeling this morning, "I don't care if there's reasonable historical evidence for the Resurrection," ["if" as conditional, not a statement that I have found a compelling evidential argument -- I've been wanting a definitive answer to whether such an argument exists for quite some time -- but rather that even if I were to be presented with such an argument I don't care] that I feel no desire to be a part of this, that I actually don't want to be a part of it.  Christianity has been an intellectual endeavor for me for some years now (though never to the extent I wish it were, because I am lazy etc.) and a recurrent theme is "I wish I weren't so attached to this tradition, because there are so many problematics," but some months back [I know I LJed it, but can't think of sufficient context to hunt it down] I had a moment of feeling free from that attachment and it was this bizarre feeling.  It passed, of course.  So at least this time I have a point of comparison.  The first time was a sense of detachment, but this time had more hostility.  I'm not really sure where that came from.  Certainly Alixtii's reply to my comment [which I still need to write a reply to] triggered my Boo on religious ceremony, but I come from a low church tradition so I've always been able to engage with theology separate from liturgy and my hostility to ceremony doesn't actually translate into a hostility to religious belief.  I am now of course expecting this hostile feeling to pass as happened the last time, but I also know that a lack of faith is where my trajectory has been headed (and arguably where I have been abiding) because I am so a rational and logical person, and I have long admitted that my belief in God makes me feel better and is thus v. useful to me (though I've recently begun feeling troubled that I'm using it as a faithless cop-out -- which is in no way intended to imply that all who believe in a Higher Power/s without the structure of an organized religion are cop-outs, merely an assessment of where I personally am at).  I draw from Christianity as I find it useful to me, but nothing beyond my belief in an Omniscient Omnipotent Omnibenevolent Creator has connected with me on a personal daily life basis (and even the God thing is probably up for debate given what an inner-directed stubborn self-sufficient person I am).

I have refused to identify myself as Christian for quite some time, but the prospect of definitively not identifying myself as such (rather than the nebulous faith struggle or whatever that I can cast myself in currently) makes me sad, because it distances me from many people I care very much about [not that we would cease to be friends or anything, but it gives us less common ground and makes me an active disbeliever in something which is very important to them] and because it deprives me of one position from which to be an actual rather than a hypothetical witness/Devil's Advocate (the whole "See, Christians can be...," "See, Christians are not always...," etc.; one of the most cherished things anyone has ever said to me -- though now I can't lay my hands on it -- was offbalance saying something along the lines of how through my example she saw that contrary to her previous experience Christians could actually be good thoughtful people).

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My mom was getting out the ham to cook for Easter dinner (2pm) and I recalled how lamb is the traditional Easter dinner meat and was struck by how strange it was to eat lamb on the day that Christ (the Lamb) triumphed over death.

And oh my grandmother does not help my mood.  Inanity and complaints.  (Begging for silence feels weird when I am lamenting the lack of debate engagement on LJ, but really it comes down to wanting quality talk.)  And of course how everything is secular.

Peggy always joins us for Easter dinner and my grandma was warning us that Peggy really can't hear well, so I was filled with dread, but in fact it was fine.  So long as she's facing you she seems to be fine.  And she participated in and initiated conversational topics.  My grandmother, on the other hand, would at times start to say something not realizing someone else was talking, and at least once asked Peggy to repeat something 'cause she didn't hear.  Gee, do we think my grandma was projecting?  When Peggy left, she didn't react at all to anything said from behind her, so clearly she does have poor hearing, but you wouldn't know it in normal conversation provided you're careful to speak to her face and make sure you have her attention.  And she has actual valid conversation.

We had one of the bottles of Riesling -- Chateau Ste. Michelle (Columbia Valley, 2004).  I was nearly at the end of my glass when I realized I hadn't really tasted it.  Guess it was good then ;)  I also realized I probably shouldn't have drunk it that fast, and then thought, "Hey, maybe being not quite sober for this is better."  Except of course that when I get inebriated I just feel somewhat detached from my body, not any happier or less easily aggravated or anything.  If anything I get more withdrawn, and I feel nervous if I have to navigate complicated physical stuff (like getting to a T Station in Boston -- she says from experience) because I don't quite feel in my body.  But as I said, conversation turned out to be fine.  And later I helped my mom finish off the bottle and actively tasted it and indeed it was good.

So now I'm off to catch up on LJ.  Am not in a particularly negative mood, but I make no promises, 'cause dude, it's me.
Aslan

[Easter Sunday]

The Crucifixion
song by Phil Ochs

And the night comes again to the circle studded sky
The stars settle slowly, in loneliness they lie
'Til the universe explodes as a falling star is raised
The planets are paralyzed, the mountains are amazed
But they all glow brighter from the brilliance of the blaze
With the speed of insanity, then he dies.

In the green fields a turnin', a baby is born
His cries crease the wind and mingle with the morn
An assault upon the order, the changing of the guard
Chosen for a challenge that is hopelessly hard
And the only single sound is the sighing of the stars
But to the silence and distance they are sworn

    So dance dance dance
    Teach us to be true
    Come dance dance dance
    'Cause we love you

Images of innocence charge him go on
But the decadence of destiny is looking for a pawn
To a nightmare of knowledge he opens up the gate
And a blinding revelation is laid upon his plate
That beneath the greatest love is a hurricane of hate
And God help the critic of the dawn.

So he stands on the sea and he shouts to the shore,
But the louder he screams, the longer he's ignored
For the wine of oblivion is drunken to the dregs
And the merchants of the masses almost have to be begged
'Til the giant is aware, someone's pulling at his leg,
And someone is tapping at the door.

    To dance dance dance
    Teach us to be true
    Come dance dance dance
    'Cause we love you

Then his message gathers meaning and it spreads across the land
The rewarding for his fame is the following of the man
But ignorance is everywhere and people have their way
Success is an enemy to the losers of the day
In the shadows of the churches, who knows what they pray
For blood is the language of the band.

The Spanish bull is beaten; the crowd is soon beguiled,
The matador is beautiful, a symphony of style
Excitement is ecstatic, passion places bets
Gracefully he bows to ovations that he gets
But the hands that are applauding are slippery with sweat
And saliva is falling from their smiles

    So dance dance dance
    Teach us to be true
    Come dance dance dance
    'Cause we love you

Then this overflow of life is crushed into a liar
The gentle soul is ripped apart and tossed into the fire.
First a smile of rejection at the nearness of the night
Truth becomes a tragedy limping from the light
All the heavens are horrified, they stagger from the sight
As the cross is trembling with desire.

You say you can't believe it, it's a sacrilegious shame
Who would want to hurt such a hero of the game?
But you know I predicted it; I knew he had to fall
How did it happen? I hope his suffering was small.
Tell me every detail, I've got to know it all,
And do you have a picture of the pain?

    Come dance dance dance
    Teach us to be true
    Come dance dance dance
    'Cause we love you

Time takes her toll and the memory fades
but his glory is growing in the magic that he made.
Reality is ravaged; it's the freeing from the fear
The drama is distorted, to what they want to hear
Swimming in their sorrow, in the twisting of a tear
As they wait for a new thrill parade.

Yes, the eyes of the rebel have been branded by the blind
To the safety of sterility, the thrill has been refined
A child was created, to the slaughterhouse he's led
So good to be alive when the eulogy is read
The climax of emotion, the worship of the dead
And the cycle of sacrifice unwinds.

    So dance dance dance
    Teach us to be true
    Come dance dance dance
    'Cause we love you

And the night comes again to the circle studded sky
The stars settle slowly, in loneliness they lie
Then the universe explodes as a falling star is raised
The planets are paralyzed, the mountains are amazed
But we all glow brighter from the brilliance of the blaze
With the speed of insanity, then he dies.