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burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness
 
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Sunday, June 29th, 2008

Time Event
9:29p
// stripped me of my power, stripped me down //
I wrote the below before heading off to evening church and am feeling somewhat better now.

***
when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation
is i am in love with you
and it is no fun
The above lyric is a bit melodramatic for how I'm feeling, but it was running through my head, so there it is.  (Relatedly, this morning I realized why I so often find myself singing the wholly inappropriate "you changed the rules / in an hour or two / and i don't know what you / and your sisters do / but please don't / please stop / this is not my obligation / what does my body have to do / with my gratitude?" -- it's because it's preceded by, "but i don't come and go / like a pop song / that you can play incessantly / and then forget when it's gone / you can't write me off / and you don't turn me on" which I was probably singing to myself without even realizing it.)

I had an emo attack yesterday and was like, "It's been six weeks; why now?"  Then this afternoon I was feeling malaise and didn't know why.  I realized later that it's because I don't like not knowing -- more specifically, I don't like not being in control.  This is not news, so I feel a bit abashed that I didn't think of it sooner.

I'm taking care of some stuff for departing!RA!Nicole's Monday party since I got pulled into the impromptu party Friday afternoon and so didn't do it during work hours on Friday -- and this is fine, but I think I'm feeling anxious because a prof recently got a "onetime exception" for some end-of-year celebration stuff (which is bizarre to me because Prof.B. has purchased flowers for people to celebrate new babies and whatever and those have been approved no problem), and I feel like the fact that my expense report is gonna say "purchased on prof's behalf" is gonna make it more likely that Financial will look askance at my reimbursement.

other stuff that is currently contributing to my stress (possibly an incomplete list)
- I still don't have a controversial topic for CAUMC group this Thursday.
- I feel like almost nobody's going to come to my birthday party and I would have been better off just using the day for packing.  (Even though I have Yes RSVPs from 4 college people and 3 church people.)
- The idea of purging/organizing/packing all my crap is so daunting.
- I still don't know for sure where I'm living come August.
- We leave for Greece&Italy in six weeks, and I still don't know how we're getting around Greece.  (Though at least that's been delegated to my brother; I get the easier task of finding hostels.)
- I called Terry two weeks ago tomorrow and he still hasn't called me back.  (Yes, I plan to call him again tomorrow.)
- I heard from Joe once when he facebook-chatted me back in early June and that's it.
- Hameer's in town through July 7, but I haven't heard back from him as to whether his availability matches mine.  [Edit: He facebook messaged me this evening, and the initial availability I gave doesn't look like it'll work but we're trying.  Heart "im tryin my best not to be a bad person and flake on you."]

***

Edit (in looking for a Subject Line): I forgot what an awesome song ani's "superhero" is.
10:41p
"Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it."
I saw this on friendsfriends:
As someone who pretty much exemplifies passing, a feminine-looking bisexual woman who could drop out of sight without a problem, I care about the visibility of Pride parades. I know that some people don't appreciate the way the parades tend to show queerness at its "worst" - really flamboyant drag queens and naked people and leather and all kinds of sexual deviancy. But to me, those things are important to keep in mind, especially now, especially when we're starting to, well, blend.

Pride started as a memorial - a commemoration of the Stonewall riots. It started as a way to keep in mind the moment when we stopped being okay with being pushed around. And "we" in that place, at that time, were not well-dressed successful parents and members of society.

[...]

Unlike many in the queer community, I do strongly support the fight for gay marriage and gay adoption and gay acceptance in the mainstream. But I will never support furthering that goal by leaving behind those of us who aren't the mainstream, because they fought back first, and they still spend more time fighting than I ever will.

-kalpurna
I sometimes hear those criticisms myself, and I never have good answers to them, in large part because I am a "Look, we're just like you" assimilationist, so the flamboyant parts of the parade don't particularly speak to my personal sense of community or goals (though I do think they're fun).  But the history of Stonewall is so easy to forget.

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