January 14th, 2009


// we'll see it through - it's what we're always here to do //

I like Megan's phrasing of "emotionally at risk" for describing how I am for once NOT reacting to my concern for various beloveds.  I am definitely concerned about them and thinking about them a lot (so it's possible that I will work myself into a meltdown), but I am not actually risking my emotional well-being in that concern.  And really this emotional detachment is a healthy thing and not something I should be concerned about.  (I have also been able to be crankypants about things without being wrecked by them -- again with the detachment/distance.)  I think part (though not all) of my concern is around the fact that this is cotemporaneous with a general failure to be motivated to be productive in just about every area, so I worry that it's part of a trend of unhealthy apathy, but clearly I do care very much about the situations of these beloveds, and emotional detachment/distance does not equal apathy.

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]

Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine
     -"You Are Mine" (David Haas)

Five good things about today:
1. Ian brought back chocolate chip cookies from the FacCommons.
2. People praised me for my performance of the lay minister role at Rest and Bread.  I forget if it was Laura or Laura Ruth who said I had a "dignity" in doing it.  Laura mentioned something about ministry and I kinda laughed a little ('cause people keep saying this) and insisted that I am not cut out for ministry, not of the ordained pastoral ministry kind.  Laura Ruth said I am so caring (before service I was telling her about the latest with Terry, and she interrupted me to tell me how kind I am), and I said I care about specific people but I don't think I'd be good at having to care about an entire congregation.  She said maybe a liturgical position, then.  I asked for details on what this would entail, and then I had to leave, so I am saying here: yes I would love getting to be in charge of how things are done, but I feel like I don't have the soul for liturgy -- I'm so academic rather than devotional, that I feel like I would need other people to make a lot of the decisions ... though I suppose it could be an exercise in being attentive to people (not just the concerns they vocalize, and not just even trying to tease information/reactions out of them, but trying to pay attention to the unspoken cues).
3. Potluck party at RED class ... people joked that it really was Harvard -- Jen made baked Brie, Ilene brought the leftover wine from the interns party, Lydia brought some salmon spread...  [And classmate-Megan thought to bring the uneaten leftovers to the Harvard Square Homeless Shelter.]
4. I actually got to run through my to-do list with B.
5. We actually have a good schedule for tomorrow's candidate -- which I managed to get out in a fairly complete form reasonably well before the end of the day.

Three things I did well today:
1. I went to the Collapse )
2. chainkill and I walked to the T together, and on the train I came up with a possible solution for something he was talking about.
3. I booked the hotel room for muskratjamboree (and forwarded the information to the roommates).
4. I was the lay minister at Rest and Bread and did well.  I hadn't really realized that I would actually have to say anything besides just reading what's printed (I had to introduce various sections -- Call to Worship, Sacred Text, Corporate Confession, Silent Confession, Assurance of Grace).  Laura (new to me) asked me afterward if I had done this before, and I said not this-this, and talked about how I had helped with Communion at CWM.  She said that I came across as very practiced.
5. I participated in my RED group presentation and did not die.  Someone else had put together a bullet point slide, but I had done no prep of my own, no rereading of the book I had read to ground and texturize what I was saying.  Mine was like the penultimate slide, and as the presentation went on I could feel myself getting more anxious, and when it was actually my turn to present I could feel that I was really rushed and I was literally losing my words.  But in the break between presentations one of our classmates was like, "good job" -- L. and I were both like, "But we were nervous and did a bad job."  I expect he was saying it partly out of social convention (ditto the reassurance after our reaction), but it was still nice.

Two things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
["anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation," as Ari says]
1. CAUMC small group
2. Meeting entertaining!candidate.

Rest and Bread ("Fire")

Psalm 27

Sacred Text: "A Litany for Survival" by Audre Lorde

Reflection: Laura Ruth talked about fear of fire/fire of fear and the fire of God.
She said that while fear can very much be a healthy and useful thing, the habit of fear can be a sin -- that time spent worrying is time not spent searching for God, not spent seeking justice.

Edit: I meant to mention that Laura Ruth's email to the listserv began:
Dear Beloved,

It's bitter outside, or maybe it's invigorating outside. Come in from the bitter cold or go out into the invigorating cold - and come pray with us.