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burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness
 
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Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

Time Event
10:53p
I have clean clothes.
After leaving a comment on a friend's LJ last night, it occurred to me that "anxiety" would probably be a better term than "depression" for whatever brain-broke has been going on.

Possibly I should have slept in a couple of hours this morning -- as I was feeling a touch sleepy this afternoon.

I saw Katie at the gym this morning, and she asked what I was going to do with my day off.  I said I should really do something like clothes shopping that I never have time to do, but I never want to do that anyway, so I'm not really motivated.  (It occurred to me later that I could have tried to schedule a haircut for the morning, or helped Esther move -- sorry!)
I ended up doing almost nothing with my day -- which felt kind of like a waste at the time, but I know this weekend I was kind of wanting a fourth day of vacation.
I want a staycation.  I have long weekend trips planned for later in the summer, and I will enjoy those, but I want some days to not have to do anything.  Of course, I know exactly who I want to spend that time with, and... yeah.

***

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]


"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.  You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." --Anne Lamott

Good things about today:
  • I saw a mama turkey (sans babies) in the CAUMC yard.
  • My mom and I are confirmed for Pirates!, and we are getting dinner afterward at Pizzeria Uno.
  • I can has Reiki appointment.
  • Repair guy said the connection between the water hose and the tub ring is gone, so we'd need to replace both of them, and they don't make parts for machines this old anymore, so replacement washing machine it is :)  But he glued the hose so it'll stay for a bit.  (And he recommended the Kenmore 400 series at Sears, like $375.)
  • Sara said yes to getting celebratory drinks.
  • Patty S. responded to my facebook message of lo these many moons ago :)
  • After Rest and Bread, I bought a pack of Pepperidge Farm Soft Baked Milk Chocolate Chunk cookies, because whether it's hormonal or whatever I decided chocolate was a good investment.  And I made myself mac&cheese shells from a box for dinner.  (Annie's alfredo flavor, but still sufficiently comfort food.)
  • Ari and I are on the same LJ server (EggRoll).
Things I did well today:
  • I got up with my alarm, ate breakfast at home, and went to the gymCollapse )
  • I replied to L's Monday night email.
  • I bought milk.
  • I washed dishes.
  • I did a load of laundry -- reading Scientific American Mind on the basement steps in case the washing machine started leaking again or anything.
  • I made the CWM deposit.
  • I went to CVS and picked up the thing I'd forgotten to buy last time I was at CVS.
  • I totes did best on bff poll.
  • I emailed L. about Friday night (night 1 of Firefly discussion with Jeff et al).
Things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
["anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation," as Ari says]
  • Sacred Eros - Thursday, May 28, 7:00pm in the Perkins Room

    Our theme for this month is "Word, Image, Flesh, Spirit."  Sexually explicit writing and images have been around for centuries, made more widely available with the printing press and camera, and even more so with the Internet.  Some say such words and images are inherently bad and harmful -- or are they?  Can erotica be good for you, even spiritually inspiring?  Bring your opinions, your questions, your favorite examples, and some munchies or beverages to share.

    Sacred Eros is a monthly discussion group at Arlington Street Church, providing a safe and supportive space to explore questions about sexuality from a spiritual and ethical perspective.  All people over 18 are welcome, and participants are expected to respect one another and keep personal matters discussed confidential.
    Even though both Roza and Jonah can't go this week :(
I'm not actually dreading going back to work tomorrow (mostly), but there aren't things making me particularly excited about tomorrow.
10:56p
"You are not being sent to a people of obscure speech and difficult language, but to the house of Is
[Heh, I hadn't realized that my Subject Line got cut off -- Semagic allows me to type for longer in the Subject Line bar than LJ will actually display -- but I kind of enjoy that "house of Is" . . . echoing God's self-identification as "I AM."]
[FirstChurch Mailing List] Rest and Bread, Ezekial, his wheel and his bones

Dear Beloved,

Rest and Bread tonight is a preview for Pentecost, as each service is, a preparation for a visit from Spirit.

In our series of biographical reflections, tonight, we learn about Ezekiel, how he was visited by God's Spirit, what he saw, and what it has to do with us.

Come and be prayed with and for tonight at 6. There will be a full glorious 15 minutes of silence (except for music for meditation). Our service begins at 6:15.

Growth committee meets at 7:15.

Love,
Laura Ruth
Psalm 6 [I remembered reading this during Lent -- 'cause I read one Psalm a day, in order -- and I appreciated hearing it today, even though I am definitely not that distraught.]
Sacred Text: Ezekiel 2:1-3:3 (with changes ... "mortal" instead of "son of man;" I think the Israelites were just referred to as "rebels," etc.)

Laura Ruth gave the Reflection.
    She said that Ezekiel was around 570 BCE, when Israel's power was waning and the Babylonians were coming in and carving up pieces of it and taking Israelites into captivity.  I definitely did not take notes on all of this, but I think she said that Ezekiel was on the fringe somewhere.  She said he was a priest & prophet -- which was unusual at that time, although it's how Christians are ordained now.
    She talked about the prophecy Ezekiel is given about the dry bones and I thought, "Didn't we do that Scripture reading?"  But actually that was Holy Saturday at CWM (thank you, Ari -- since a site-specific Google search was uncharacteristically fail).
    She said that from a Christian perspective, Ezekiel's story prefigures Pentecost (which she did say we celebrate as the birth of the Church) -- God breathing into people and giving them voice, though she then said that of course God doing that long predates Ezekiel (I later thought, "Yeah, like Adam"), he's just a very good example of it (and apparently it's one of the readings you have the option of doing for Pentecost).  I thought, "But Pentecost is the birth of the church because it happens in community."  As I was articulating to Ari tonight what about the Acts story of Pentecost makes it the story of the birth of the church (like the fact that everyone gathered heard it in their native language, symbolic of reaching out and being so much more than just a Jewish revival/reform movement), I realized that I was so stuck on community being the important part of our Pentecost story in reaction to Laura Ruth's analogy, if you had asked me previously to tell you what Pentecost is about, I probably would have said: fire, speaking in tongues, birth of the church (in that order).
    She also talked about (and this was one of the pieces I was most struck by listening to the reading) God telling Ezekiel to eat the scroll and his finding it to taste as sweet as honey.  She talked about embodying the Word by physically ingesting it and pointed out that we ingest the Word every time we take Communion, which I hadn't thought of (hi, I have a low theology of Communion) but which immediately made me think of the time we had milk and honey with Communion at CWM one Sunday.

Prayers of the People:
At Prayers of Thanksgiving, I said the first one -- thanksgiving for having a functioning washing machine again, thanksgiving for being able to afford the technician's visit and being able to afford to take the time off work, and thanksgiving for being able to afford to purchase a new washing machine because this is very much a stopgap fix.
Next, Gary said in that theme he gives thanks for the guy in Brookline who gave Althea a free washer.
Keith gave thanks for family visits at a graduation ... and his parents doing his laundry.
Laura Ruth gave thanks for the next-door neighbor who hauled away lots of trash from the basement, including a washing machine.

***

After service, I hugged Laura Ruth and asked if she was okay, said she had seemed rushed before service.  She said she was rushed, is still catching up from being away, but that she's fine (and she sounded genuinely really cheerful and energetic).  She asked how I was, and I said I'd been better.  She got concerned-face (which was of course the reaction I had been looking for).
I said low-level anxiety flare-ups which I wasn't entirely sure the why of, plus I still haven't heard from my friend Terry and I really really really don't like that.
She said, "You knew you wouldn't hear from him for a while, right?" (in a way like she wanted to make sure she was remembering correctly, not like she was criticizing me for being upset about something I should have expected) and I said yeah, said my self-imposed deadline for when I'm allowed to contact him again is next week.
She said someone once asked her if she "carries" parishioners and she said yes she does and the person said, "Then you're not letting God do her part," and she was properly abashed.  I laughed and said I try to do that but yeah the reminder is helpful, that you sit with people but you are not called to carry it all.  She then said something like, "But I know how much you care about them," which I appreciated -- because yeah, of course I worry about those I love, and I think I actually do a good job of not trying to take on an undue portion of the stuff I should leave to God.  I knew she had a meeting to go to, so I wasn't even going to request pastoral care in that moment ('cause it's not like I was in crisis, and getting to tell her -- and hold her hands while I did it -- and have her be sympathetic, was about what I was looking for ... yes, I want someone to sit with me and hold me for a long long time, but really I want to know something; I'm trying not to dwell SHUDDUP because talking about it doesn't really do me any good and I don't have anything to talk about anyway, since entertaining worst-case scenarios is not at all a good use of my thought processes) nevermind think about getting into a discussion about loving healthy caregiving and support -- though on reflection, it wouldn't be a bad conversation to have at some point (though she'll be busier than usual this summer with Molly on sabbatical).
After I was done, she changed topics and asked if I wanted to be a part of their summer small group series and I said yeah I'd been a part of the tail-end of that last summer and so long as it could be right after service on Wednesdays I could do it.  She had apparently already put my name down -- though as she pointed out, she could easily have taken it off if I'd said no :)

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