June 4th, 2009

be brave now

[Rest and Bread] Esther [2009-06-03]

Before service, I told Keith that I felt like everything was off-center but I couldn't figure out why.
He said, "Clearly someone moved the pole." (As in, the support pole that's sort of in the middle of the room.)

Later, I asked why we only had one tall white candle on the altar (usually there are two). He said, "Two men will be in a field, and one will be taken and one left." I said, "Yes, clearly the other candle was Raptured."


Psalm 19 [I looked it up in the NIV to see if we really had read the whole thing -- sometimes we don't but it's not so marked -- and it's rather different than the version we read.] Collapse )

The Sacred Text reading was Esther 4.

"For if you keep silence at such a time as this, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another quarter, but you and your father’s family will perish. Who knows? Perhaps you have come to royal dignity for just such a time as this." (NRSV)

Hee. I had totally invoked that (though I'd forgotten about the "you will perish" bit, which was irrelevant to the argument at hand anyway) at SCBC Adult Ed on Sunday. Owen had opened with talking about North Korea and how children are dying of malnutrition and asking the open question. David insisted that we should not trust our own wisdom (like we did with the choice to go into Iraq) but pray and etc., and I pushed back and said that yeah we should prayerfully discern, but that as Christians we are called to be a prophetic witness, to do God's work in the world.

Keith did the Reflection, and a number of things didn't quite resonate for me, but one thing he said was that closeting can lead to our private faith not having a claim on our public life.

We're back to reciting "God hear our prayer" after a prayer is vocalized, which I like far less than the sung "God have mercy"/"Thanks be to God."

I was noticing (not for the first time recently) how people open up and make themselves so vulnerable and I DON'T. I have litanies of prayer concerns for other people, which I will say aloud, and I will often lift up my prayers of celebration, but I don't ask for prayers for myself. I am so impressed by the bravery of people to open themselves up and make themselves vulnerable by vocalizing the places of pain and struggle in themselves. ("My challenge this week/what I'm working on this week" at CAUMC small group doesn't have quite the same resonance.) I do not do well with admitting weakness. (There's also the difficulty of articulating something succinctly but still in a way such that those listening will understand the appropriate backstory and resonances and emphases. But I think the bigger problem is that I don't do well with admitting weakness.)

During the Words of Institution & Prayer of Consecration, when Laura Ruth said the part about the Holy Spirit blessing us gathered here, my instinct was to (A) recite it along with her (B) say the Cambridge Welcoming Blessing -- "Pour out your Holy Spirit on us gathered here and on these gifts of bread and the fruit of the vine. Make them be for us the Bread of Life and the quenching Cup of Blessing, so that we may be the Body of Christ for the world, co-creating God's vision of peace and justice until all are reconciled and feast together at your table. Amen." [At Cambridge Welcoming, as the priesthood of all believers we the congregation are all invited to join in the blessing of the elements.]

I had read something that afternoon about Communion, the author taking Communion and really feeling and needing the tangiblity and food-ness of it, but in looking back through my GoogleReader later I couldn't find it. (I sort of had the visual memory that it was on EveTushnet.com, but that seems not to be true.)

Anyway, I tend to not really feel the resonance of being fed physically at Communion because even though my current churches do actual bread which you tear a piece off of, it's still only a mouthful and it feels more symbolic (representative) than anything. But I stayed a bit after service and had more of the bread (which I usually do, 'cause at 7pm I'm wanting dinner) and drank deeply of the chalice of grape juice a few times, resting one palm outspread on the Pentecost altar cloth (dark red and possibly silk? when Laura Ruth put it on I expressed pleasure at no having the makeshift one we'd had the past few weeks, and joked that apparently I do have some sense of aesthetics after all).
that which IT has not [fox1013]

And now I'm on the phone with L. for the second night in a row.

"Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy."
-mylittleredgirl [more info]

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.  You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." --Anne Lamott

Good things about today:
  • OtherElizabeth emailed me back about getting together (and picked something that works for me).
  • Entertaining email, and free french fries.
  • Iron Man fanfic.
  • Ian made me cranky, and Ari doesn't get home until about 6pm my time, and neither of the books I had in my bag were comfort reading, and I wasn't confident that SOM/WEST's magazine rack would be helpful either.  But I remembered that Jason was working, so I went and asked for a hug.  And being told so genuinely, "I'm glad you stopped by.  It's good to see you.  I would like to see you again soon," really really helped.  And then I called Ari and walked on the bike path.
    Ironically, after some distance, Ian's unflappably confident, "He'll call you when he gets out," was something I started returning to with comfort -- even though I still think, "Who are you to make such a definitive statement without letting me vocalize the potential complicating factors?" plus it was Not A Good Response At The Time regardless of whether it is a True Fact or not.
  • After dinner at CAUMC, riffing off of a story Jess was telling and a broader discussion spun off from that, I told my story of getting chatted up by an Armenian guy.  Everyone was way more creeped out by this than I was.  I also opened the discussion of the Roberta Bondi excerpt we read, but clearly my post-dinner anecdote was the really salient portion of my contribution to the group this evening.  [Affirmations]  Sean affirmed my "sarcastic tongue-in-cheek clarity about your morals."  Mike said: "I like your worldview."  Meredith Affirmed that I "take everything in stride."  Jess Affirmed my openness to chatting with random strangers.
  • sweet_adelheid posted recently about dreamboards [Magpie Girl tag, explanation from Starshyne Productions].  I didn't think much about this for myself initially, but I've been thinking about it more recently, and I've been thinking of good images/phrases to put on mine, and I'm increasingly liking the idea of a dreamboard ("A dreamboard is a collection of words and images of something we want to manifest - of the focus that I want to bring to the month to come." --italics from Starshyne, regular font from Heidi).  So thank you, Heidi.  (Heh, nice full circle since you started looking at Magpie Girl blog because of me.)
  • Carolyn and I had both thought to poke Jeremy about his going-away party this coming Saturday, and this evening he actually posted the details (like the address and the MBTA directions).
Things I did well today:
  • I only snoozed my alarm once and I ate breakfast at home and brushed my teeth and went to the Collapse )
  • I replied to a couple personal emails.
  • I did my Rest and Bread writeup AND my "pro-blog" writeup of Pentecost.
  • I proofread a document for Prof.D.
  • I thought about what I could do so I wouldn't stew on being cranky and I focused on praying good things for people rather than rehashing why I was cranky, and I found concrete things that could comfort me.
  • I read the chapter Ross had wanted me to read so we could discuss on Sunday.
  • I didn't take the "safe" route in "what my challenge is this week" at CAUMC -- and I talked about the idea (from Sunday) of really thinking through why something scares me and Meredith said that was a really helpful idea.
  • I walked home from CAUMC.  (I had been taking rides home for a while, but I really don't want to be a person who gets rides home from that.  I walk most everywhere, and I like that conception of myself being true.)
Things I am looking forward to (doing [better]) tomorrow:
["anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation," as Ari says]
  • Half day at work.
  • Getting my hair cut.
  • Dinner with Allie.