Therp hadn't realized that I go to church three times every Sunday, so yesterday we ran through my 4 primary church involvements -- how I ended up at each one and why I stay (what I get out of it).
She commented that most people don't go to 4 different churches and I said, "Yeah -- that's why for years people have been asking me if I'm going to div school," and I tangentially mentioned my resistance to ordained ministry, mentioning, "I hate people," in that offhand explanatory way that I do. Therp was surprised, and I caveated that it was an overstatement, but I still stood by it.
She asked, "Have you been hurt by people?"
I said, "Maybe?" because that's always a good answer.
I said there is an element of pre-emptive rejection -- that if I don't like you, then I don't care if you like me.
She said that when I'd talked about the churches, I kept saying I liked the people. I said that was true, but that I only liked some of the people -- which makes it awkward say at Coffee Hour when there are only 4 people I wanna talk to, and they're all talking to other people. She asked 4 out of how many. I guessed 20. She thought that wasn't bad.
She said I was "picky" -- in a way that sounded healthy, since I have finite time and energy; in contrast to the way I would frame it, of having unrealistically high expectations of everyone.
I had lunch with Scott today, and I told him about therapy, and he said it back to me as therp saying, "You don't hate people, you're just normal."
Thinking about this later: If I expect that everyone likes a higher percentage of the people they encounter than I do, then I'm expecting a higher percentage of the people who encounter me to like me than actually do/will. (A few sessions ago, when therp asked about dating, I said I hate the performativity of it, and I said I'm sure that's a mix of shyness and low self-esteem.) I've always felt like most everyone else has an easier time finding groups of people they really click with than I do, and I pretty well own that quirkiness, that I don't really fit into any particular group, but I think I probably also have some unresolved issues around that.
[Edit: I think part of the problem also is that most people are better at playing the social game than I am -- I'm not an extrovert, so engaging with people is potentially inherently draining, plus I'm not good at that performance of social niceties with people I don't care about -- so I feel like everyone else likes people more than I do.]
I was talking to Trevanna after church Sunday night, and she said that when people don't like her she wants to make them like her, and she's had to learn that really there are plenty of people who do like her and think she's awesome and that's where she should be investing her time and energy -- that it sounds obvious, but it's something she's really had to learn. I concurred.