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burning like matchsticks in the face of the darkness
 
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Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

Time Event
9:23p
So, my [maternal] grandma died this afternoon.

I feel like this is a Thing I should tell people, but I also know that people will be like, "Oh, you have my sympathy, that's so sad" -- and I'm really not sad.

My best friend asked her pastor for prayers for my family, especially my mom, and the pastor was like, "Oh, prayers for Elizabeth's family, especially Elizabeth," and Ari was like, "No, really."

It's not that I dislike my grandmother, it's that she's been declining (physically, but more importantly cognitively) at an increasing pace since she fell almost 9 years ago. My mother commented years ago that my brother and I had already lost our grandmother, and it's true. Her death feels a little surreal and sudden -- despite all the recent decline, she's been kind of like the Energizer Bunny, and she went from "hospitalized with severe hip pain" to "dead" [her systems just started shutting down] in less than three days -- but I don't really feel sad.

The memorial service will be the end of the month, and I expect I will grieve some then, but mostly I will be sad for my mom.

My uncle Miles said on facebook yesterday, "For those who don't know her, she will be 94 on the 16th of this month. She has a full life of some significant accomplishments and travels. And, of course, she somehow survived making me."

La bff emailed me this evening:
allison sends her prayers

And tells you not to feel too guilty about feeling less than miserable about your grandmother's being out of pain and in a better place. In case guilt was a thing you were feeling.
We approve of Allison.

And yeah, guilt is really not a thing I was feeling.

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