Elizabeth Scripturient (the delinquent, ecumenical (hermionesviolin) wrote,
Elizabeth Scripturient (the delinquent, ecumenical

Sometimes i just want to start over.

At my mother’s insistence i spent much of today cleaning out stuff in my room. This was good because i’m heading back to the Bubble on Sunday and really don’t need to take any more crap than is necessary. I was reminded of just how many projects i have partially started. Poems and stories and fics in progress. Photocopied articles which should be put in binders for easy reference. Books i want to read. Zine ideas and zines in progress and zines to read and zines to send off. Financial and other paperwork which needs to be organized. I got a whole bunch of movies (and some books) from the library to indulge in queerness, but i think most of my week will be spent hardworking, which is honestly fine by me because much though i often do enjoy movies, i have a much better time spent feeling after doing real work.

I have boxes and boxes of stuff down in the basement, and i couldn’t tell you much of what is in them, or even some of what is in my room, so theoretically we should just truck it all off to the dump, but i know that when i go through them i will find stuff that’s important to me, that i really want to keep.

I think i am growing out of my sentimental attachment to everything. (Not to imply that sentimentality is immature, just that i’m, duh, growing. and it seems that part of that growing is losing my sentimental attachment to a lot of objects -- which isn’t that surprising now that i think about how i’m so unmoved by what i call “sacred places,” e.g. Shakespeare walked these roads, Virgina Woolf lived here, etc.) I have so many ticket stubs and programs and such and i think i should keep them for scrapbooks or whatever, but part of me wants to just throw them away because they’re dumb and i’m likely not going to make a scrapbook. (This is separate from my Oxford trip, which will get a scrapbook as well as an online printable zine and perhaps even a highlights photo album.) Going through all this stuff in my room my annoyance at people giving me so much bloody stuff has surged up again. I want useful things like notebooks and envelopes. I want CDs and sometimes books and movies. Once in a while i want clothes or shoes or posters. I like not having to spend money, so having people buy me things i want makes me happy. I do not like getting lots of stuff just because it’s Christmas or my birthday or you went on a trip or whatever. I get so much stuff that i have no use for because it’s cute or it’s my favorite color or you liked it or whatever. And then i have to decide what to do with it. I think i am going to be sending a lot of stuff to the local thrift store, though i will have to work in collaboration with my mother because while my grandmother rarely sees my room she may well see the inside of the thrift store, plus my mother may be attached to some of these things.

I need to go through my clothes ruthlessly. Being in England and limited to a half a dozen of my favorite shirts made me nearly hate them, but then i came home and thought, “What do i want to wear?” and there were very few. It’s foolish for me to have clothes i don’t ever wear, even if i do theoretically like them.

I want a permanent place of residence. One where i have all my stuff in one place, all set up. Not stuff in the basement at my parents’ house. Not stuff in boxes waiting for me to start classes again. Everything that i use set up or organized or in appropriate storage. (Also a place where all the stuff is mine and the organization and the food and everything is tailored to me, but that’s another topic.) Oh and gee, perhaps where i have more than a single room in which to have all my stuff? (Excluding the basement, i have just my bedroom, which in one sense i love, but which also feels much too small when i’m trying to spread all this stuff out and go over it. And there’s never enough room/places to put things, which of course is a sign that i need less stuff. And it isn’t even wholly my room because it gets used for some storage, which is wholly understandable and which i support, it just adds to the frustration. I really really want my own apartment after college. As soon after college as possible. I don’t want to buy a house, but i want an apartment without roommates. I want a bedroom and i want that kitchen/dining room/living room thing -- you know where the kitchen stuff is in one corner and there’s the table and chairs, and the room melts into a living room ? -- and i want a bathroom. I may whinge about my lack of space here, but i really don’t have all that much stuff and i don’t need all that much space and i know that open space just asks to be filled which is the last thing i need.)

I want a bank which doesn’t have stupid fees but which does give me a debit card. I want to start balancing my checkbook. I could of course do this now, but it seems easier to just wait until i have a permanent place of residence so that i will have a conveniently located bank as well. (The plethora of Fleet ATMs plus the ability to view my account activity online are two more reasons i haven’t left yet.)

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