When they are too far away for me to hold them.
When i want to fight their battles for them.
I'm looking at 2 of you.
Writing this i remembered "The Body" and while i've never really identified with Buffy, i'm totally feeling the analogy here now. There are some things i can't fight, that no one can fight. And that's so scary.
Some people all i can offer is hugs and reassurances that i love you, that i value you.
And some people i can't even do that for.
After the battle and we're still around
Everything once up in the air has settled down
Sweep the ashes, let the silence find us
The moment of peace is worth every war behind us
You and me of the 10,000 wars
I fight fire with words. It's what i do. And i can't always do that. I can't find the words. Not mine, not even anyone else's. And sometimes the words aren't good enough. I can research things, but i can't stop things.
I keep quoting the same things.
21 January 2003:
I want to watch over you forever
Keep you safe with me
And I wish I could promise you a beautiful world
That would never break your heart
Maybe that's what we are here for
We try and fix what comes apart
-Catie Curtis, "Love Takes the Best of You"
1 March 2003:
"Colin," Dunworthy said, "Sometimes you do everything you can, and you still can't save them."
Colin swiped at his tears with the back of his hand. "But not always."
Always, Dunworthy thought. "No," he said. "Not always."
"Sometimes you can save them," Colin said stubbornly.
-Connie Willis, Doomsday Book [I haven't even read this one. Stole it from someone's profile. Sometimes you do everything you can and you can't save someone. And sometimes you can.]
26 February 2003:
I learned that whatever we say means nothing,
what anyone will remember is that we came,
I learned to believe I had the power to ease
awful pains materially like an angel.
Like a doctor I learned to create
from another's suffering my own usefulness, and once
you know how to do this, you can never refuse.
To every house you enter, you must offer
healing: a chocolate cake you baked yourself,
the blessing of your voice, your chaste touch.
-from "What I Learned from My Mother" by Julia Kasdorf
I titled an entry once, "I do what i do, because it's all i can do, and sometimes i do it well."
I feel better, seeing the past entries about pain and knowing that my loved ones made it through, that they are happier and stronger now.