My mom was sulky ‘cause the library closes at 5 on Fridays so she couldn't veg out to The Green Mile. I had Eddie Izzard's Circle, though.
She sent me out to get SmartFood Popcorn and Doritos. Normally I toss a wallet etc. into a bag when I go out, but this time I was just going down the street and my mom had given me $5 so I thought, Why bother? Well, when I got rung up, the total was $6.48.
So on top of my usual 4 sets of 10-15 minute walk plus 4 flights of stairs twice, I did a 10-15 minute walk 4 more times on Friday.
Short version: Not as good as Dress to Kill, but better than Glorious and Definite Article.
I noticed the lack of transitions less, and his losing his place was less bothersome, and it just seemed funnier.
I liked the opening title sequence 'cause hotness (and the dripping alcohol with the tossed match was a nice touch, though the CGI fire was pastede on and I never even notice stuff like that) though I'm not really sure he needs a title sequence.
(Poshy voice) "Good afternoon, I'm a bit of a barstard" You think Oh well.I like the way he'll do something physical and then make a joke off of that. See also Spanish Inquisition rack --> organ grinder. And " 'genocidal fuck-head'. With bunny rabbit ears."
But now if you're a bit of a barstard people go: "Oh, that's quite sexy". And, uh you know. Cause at school all the kids who were: "Hello, shall I open the door for you?" They never got shagged at all. But if you were a bit of a barstard, or a bit if a bastard, then shagging aplenty. And I don't know what this means but it's sort of true. You know, I just noticed it.
Hello? Lost you (writes on hand) "Lost them all. Had them, lost them" Ooh I've got stuff on my hand.
Catholics are good, Keep those flies off me, I'm a Catholic. Fucking flies. Whereas Protestants don't have anything to keep the flies off except a gun! Big Fuckin' gun!Loved that.
"Blasphemy, Blas for you, Blas for everybody in the room."Also that.
And Richard, the idea was if he got stabbed through the heart he's still got his lion heart going and that way he could live longer. (writes on hand) "They didn't believe me."*giggles*
But they went down to get the Moslems out, the Islamic people out of Jerusalem, I believe it was that. And they were hacking into them, "I kill you! I kill you in the name of Jesus." But the Moslem people, "No! Jesus is a prophet in our religion. We kill you in the name of Jesus." "Do you? I didn't know that. Jesus in your… oh right! Well I kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford." "No he wasn't! He bloody was not! He was from Judea, dark-skinned man, such as we." "Really? Look, we've come all this way… Would you mind awfully if we hacked you to pieces? Just for the press back home."Really liked that.
Oh, Alexander, yeah, Alexander steaming on, and after a while his army's going, "Hang on. Alex, I think we lost 'em. You know, I don't know where we live any more, and we've killed most of the people we've met. So would you just like to chill out." And Alex is going, "Look, I'm 32, I'm gay, I'm on a roll. Let's go!" On you go.*grins*
This is football I'm talking about here, which you call 'bananas', and you're reluctant to play.:D
But you play baseball. The World Series. And you've won every year - America's won every year in that (gives a clap) Well done America! That's great! It's impressive in a world event for America to win so many years, so well done to you!
So in the Christian faith God created Adam in his own image, yeah? So that was good, but 65 million years before that God created the dinosaurs using the image of his cousin Ted. And Ted was not the black sheep of the family, he was the huge fucking monster of the family.:)
(James Mason voice) "Well I'll explain to you, Jesus. What I did was I created the world in seven days. Then on the eighth day…" (normal voice for Jesus) "Dad, are you going to do this James Mason impression all the way through?" (mimes peeking through blinds during applause) "Be quiet, you cherubim and seraphim! Sorry dad, they're very noisy up here in heaven. I'll just let the blind down. (mimes this) All right, go on…"Absolutely love the miming (plus of course the meta, fourth wall, whatever) in this.
So Jesus' mom is Galadriel. Who's his stepmom?
"Anyway" said Jesus. "Right! I'm back here" said Jesus. "Yes… What about, not 'Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth', 'Blessed are the huge scaly monsters, for they shall doubtlessly inherit the earth - unless something awful happens with the temperature."My dad's teaching physics, so this was particularly joyous. And I enjoyed the bit about the 65 million year gap. And oh, the original meaning of the word awesome. And Carter with the metric system for 2 weeks in the '70s. And Chaos has a son named Kelvin. "All sons have physics jokes, dad." I don't care what Izzard says, I love that line. Nevermind that it's not so much physics jokes as Kelvin jokes.
And suddenly an archeopterix came screaming out of left field and took Jesus' head off 'Floomp foodoomp foodoomp!' And Jesus goes back up to heaven with his head under his shoulder, saying, (uses hand to mime speech) "Dad! Dad! They're a bunch of bastards!" (James again) "Well what happened?" "Well, they took my head off! I have to talk with my hand now… That's what I have to do noooow!" "Well, what a to-do. I'll turn the world thermostat down to nought degrees Kelvin." "Minus 273 degrees Centigrade?" "You been at the physics books again?" (was accidentally miming hand-talk) Ooh! Sorry, I thought I was talking with my hand. (James again) "You been at the physics books again? Oh yeah, well, your stepmother would be proud."
So he killed all the dinosaurs, God killed 'em all. Then he went down there, and he took all the dinosaurs, and he put each one inside a stone. But then God seemed to wait 65 million years doing this: (mimes hanging around not doing much, singing scat) "Doo doo Dooo, doo doo dooooo, ba ba baaaa."
And the flan flew off in different directions, and gradually cooled and formed stars with planets. And the god Chaos put arbitrary things upon them, like helicopters, jam, radioactive peanuts, socks and spaniels.Oh the obscurity. (And I'd been trying to remember what a Spinning Jenny was, so I appreciated the pander to my ignorance.)
But human beings: we've done OK, you know, over the years. We've made things like the spinning jenny, the spinning arthur and the spinning bernard. And the spinning jenny was more successful, but she had a hell of a time, "Hey! Fuckin' hell! Let me go!" That's a fucking weaving joke. All the weavers got it.
Whales: DJs of the ocean.
Dolphins: Chiang Kai-Shek ... Mao Tse Tung ... mainland China ... or do you just want fish?
Oh, Skippy was supposed to be a kangaroo? That makes the sand&desert bit make much more sense.
Seals: with the random ball skills [also: dolphinarium *chortles*]
Tigers: random banjo skills?
And swans can kill you with their arms, apparently, but I don't know how they do it because it doesn't quite work (mimes odd karate). I think it's their beaks. I think they sharpen their beaks and then "Whoomp!" they take your head off.Mad cow disease!
A cow was fed to a cow, and that cow was fed to another cow, that cow was fed to another cow. And just like the Russian doll thing instead of a herd of cows you had one huge Zeppelin cow. Who was mad! And then the farmer filled that cow full of helium and took it to market on a string. Just to show off.*giggles*
"Parsley, sage rosemary and thyme." (Sorry, it just makes me think of the Simon & Garfunkel song, "Scarborough Fair" -- and actually the Wes/Fred vid I saw recently.)
Dancers and cows! Eating their own sick!
So anyway we killed all our cows. We had three cows left in Britain who were not mad, "Are you mad?" "No, sir!" "Count up to ten in German." "Eins, swei, drei, fier, funf, sex, seiben, acht, noin, zen." "Count down from seven in French." "Ahh, shit! Sept, six, cinq, quatre, trois, deux, un!" "Yes, well done! You cows are not mad. And you're fit and healthy enough to be shot for food."*cracks up at the punchline*
Because it's a historical thing, up to the nineteenth century the English hated the French. Then in the twentieth century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans… but the Hungarians are pissing us off.
they loved it because you could sell all these papers, (pompous English voice) "You Frenchy Froggy, Froggy Frenchy. Our beefy, lovely beefy. You Frenchy Froggy!" This was a Times editorial piece.
And then someone found out the French cows eat sewage, they are fed sewage.*grins*
They never had, like Flipper, they never had the shark that did that, did they? (makes grinding shark noise) "What's that, Sharky? Three boys fell out of a boat? They're drowning? You've already eaten them? You're no fucking good, are you? Bugger off!" (sings) "Sharky the friendly shark, but not too friendly."*giggles*
So, yeah, then there was the Greeks. Socrates, he was great. He invented questioning. Before Socrates everyone sort of went, "Yeah, suppose so." So after Socrates, he taught Plato who's, I'm sure, in a documentary somewhere
Now if you'd lost you could understand that, 'cause the conquering army'd be after you, and they're going to take out that next city, yeah? So you run, run, run, "They're coming… oh fucking hell!" You know. But if you've won, surely you just saunter down, you don't run. You get in the car, you get some naked people with you, you take a lot of drugs, "Hey! We fucking won! Three nil!" And you live forever. Surely!Stoned Olympics!
They start off in Athens, where a joint is lit (mimes smoking plus trumpet fanfare) a huge Camberwell carrot, and then they run the three feet to the next athlete, (mimes handover of joint with another fanfare). They've all bunched up, and all the runners are kind of… (mimes people upset at waiting) … some of them already rolling their own. So there's fucking lit candles going in all different directions, all over Europe. Until you get to Amsterdam! Where the final athlete runs into the stadium and he runs up to that crucible where the eternal flame is lit, and he gets in and falls asleep.The Stoic bit reminded me of poking badgers with spoons in Dress to Kill.
And then the special opening happens with all the colours, and brightly painted children run out - having recently eaten hash cookies - and fall about laughing, and everyone goes, "Fuck, it's amazing! I've never seen anything like this!"
And the final event would be the marathon, the traditional end of the Olympics, where thirty-five runners from different countries run out of the stadium and are never heard of again.
Spartans: in their underpants with spears :)
"I'm not a Spartan, I don't think I am a Spartan. Genetically I think I'm a comfy man. I should be in an big armchair with an enormous duvet."*loves*
But then the Roman Empire fell - like this: "Ooh shit!" And we went into what historians call the 'Stupid Fucker Period'. Where everyone was, "Aah, I dunno! Is that a Roman Road? Can we eat it?" And then we had the Dark Ages where… "I can't even see! Who are you?"
And then it all bottomed out with the Renaissance period. The Re - naissance (adds French 'r') rre - naissance. French for 'rebirth', renaissance. And that's why most of the renaissance period happened slap-bang in F… Italy. And… but they had a French name that gave them a certain 'je ne sais quoi', a certain 'savoir faire', a certain 'détente' a certain 'Jacques Girac', a certain 'cul-de-sac', a certain 'pomme de terre', a certain 'vie de la Dordoigne'…Fuck it.
Anyway, Galileo was there, Galileo, Galilii, Galilorum, Galilis, Galilis, Galilis. Who was a declension. And he looked at the stars and said, "I think, I think the Earth goes round the sun." And the Pope was overjoyed at the truth of his words. And put him under house arrest for 20 years. That Pope has been renamed Pope Shit-for-brains the ninth. But Galileo had his children. His children would run in and say, "Galileo, Galileo, will you do the fandango?" (bops to unheard music) "Thunderbolt! Lightning, and very very frightening. Donner, Blitzen, cabaret schnitzen. Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, Fart-face… Smack-head. And Kenneth." Yeah."Bohemian Rhapsody"! oh my god, they killed Kenny!
Stipple effect! (Thanks to her brother, my mom even knows what that is :) )
"No, I need a painting that takes ten years to make"
But he did other paintings, like he did that guy in the bowler hat with an apple in the face, that's his. And the one of lilies which is all blurry, that blurry lily one. And he did a couple of Pissaros, one or two Lautreqs.On Leonardo da Vinci:
And he invented a helicopter that did not work. And so did I! Yeah, did not work! I accept your applause for my crap invention. For it had a lawnmower engine, it was made out of wood and string, and it went under water. My helicopter went under water… on paper. But then the paper would get wet and, you know, a helicopter that just exists on paper - it needs to fly in the air. And I'm trying to make this work as a joke… and it won't.Love the " I accept your applause for my crap invention." line. And I called the wet paper joke :)
But in that Venn diagram of helicopters that do not work there's me and Leonardo da Vinci right in there.
Who was Venn and his diagrams? Was he the most boring child ever? (upper middle class accent) "Father, I have my foot in your bedroom and also in the hallway. As you can see from my diagram I am not only in the bedroom, I am also in the hallway." "Venn, fuck of out of this house!" "All right, father. But I am outside of the house but my hand is in the window and my foot is in a grapefruit. As you can see from my diagram… (mime of patricide) Father, me and Socrates…both died."Dude, I love Venn diagrams. (Doesn't hurt that I was introduced to them via aliens in the elementary school Eureka program.)
If I die on the floor can I get up in these heels?"It's not in this transcript, but he makes a motion with his hand and mouths "no." 'Cause hello his boots. *loves*
Yeah! So. But the Renaissance period - it was good, it was good. It was active, it was exciting for many things happening. Good film, you could make films out of it, you know, because there's - there's sex and death, the Borgias, the Medicis and Machiavelli wrote that book 'The Artist Formerly Known As'.Are there really no Europeans in Saving Private Ryan?
And they had that scene in it where a Nazi was caught. You remember the Nazi? And he does that thing, a scene that we've seen before. He goes, (German accent) "No, no! I like America. Please take me back. G.I., G.I., Hello hello. Micky Mouse. Toot toot, Steamboat Willy, (American accent) Of all the bars in all the world you had to come into mine. Play it Sam!" And you look at him and think, "He's not a bad Nazi. He's probably one of the good Nazis."I loved that he had the real Casablanca line rather than "Play it again, Sam" as everyone quotes it.
He comes back 33 years later, "You bastard! They treated me worse than the fucking dinosaurs! God damn it! They cut my head off, but they nailed me to a tree for three days!" "Well I'm sorry, I didn't know…" "You knew all the time! Opposable thumbs! You knew they've got hammers. They're fucking twisted, this lot!" "Well, what happened?" "Well I went down and told them to hang out. I got some fisherman to help me, and that was crap because they were all hippie fisherman, going 'I converted someone to Christianity, they were this big. I thought it was that big. Oh, it got away!' And the rich came up to me saying they wanted to get into the kingdom of heaven. I said, well, it's easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle that it is for a rich man to get into the kingdom of heaven." "That was pretty surreal of you." "Yeah, well, I'd been smoking a bit that day. But the rich, they got huge blenders and put camels into them and made them into liquid camel, and then they squirted them with very fine jets through the eyes of needles. So they're all coming up now.I have much love for this, up until the point where God starts suggesting other foods Jesus could have used. I mean, he says cannibalism is bad and then he goes with it?
And then I did the last supper, and I gave them some wine and I said, drink this wine - it is my blood." "You said what?" "I said, drink this wine it is my blood. I was trying to make it a ceremony." "But that's vampirism! Vampiric thing, drink my blood. You've got Pagan things right there on day one of the new religion!" "Oh, sorry." "Why didn't you say, drink this wine it's a Merlot?" "Oh, yeah." "Did you say anything else?" "What do you mean?" "Well, after the wine thing did you say anything else that might have screwed things up… for ever and ever?" "No." "Nothing at all?" "No." "Nothing about bread?" "Yes." "What did you say?" "Well, I said, 'eat this bread, it is my… favourite!' because it was hot so they had all those crinkly bits in it, and I loved it and… All right, I said it was my body, OK?" "That's… that's cannibalism! You have got vampirism and cannibalism right at the beginning… Oh, Gee! And you died on Easter, the biggest pagan ceremony in the history of ever! (losing it a bit) You're going to celebrate the year of your death in a different year, each year! Depending on where the moon is, for God's sake! If they don't work out that's pagan I'll just eat my hat." "Dad, don't worry. No one's going to work it out for 2000 years - until a transvestite points it out in New York!" "Oh, all right." "Well, what would you have done?" "I would have done cheese and wine. Cheese and wine goes together better. Eat this cheese, it is my body…" "But it's Judea, dad. Cheese melts." "All right: eat this cheese it is my central nervous system, all right? All right, all right, listen to this: eat these chicken drumsticks, they are my legs. Eat these carrots, they are my arms. Eat this tomato it is my head. And eat these oysters, they are my kneecaps." "If you do that, dad, your holy communion is going to have priests going round with lots of trays going, 'Who ordered the body of Christ, then?'"
But finally tonight, finally tonight I just want to talk about the future. The future. Where will the future be? Science Fiction writers, they write it down, they write it down in books. And then it becomes films, and then it all comes to pass, like those doors in Star trek: (whoosh sound) we've got them now! That's about it! But that's happened.*cracks up*
And they had 'The Empire Strikes Back', the fifth of the four Star Wars films. He is fucking with us numerically, isn't he! "Children, count up to ten." "Four, five, six, one, two, three, ten". No, it goes, four, five, six, one, two, three… No, it goes: four, five, six. One. Two and three have not been made." "Two and three have not been made!So. Much. Love.
So, uh, where was I going? Yes, yes, yes, so Star Wars, I mean they had the Deathstar. Deathstar is a very… almost like a New York name, 'The Deathstar'. It gets to the point. (American accent) "What's that star?" "It's the Deathstar." "What does it do?" "It does death! It does death, buddy! Get out of my way… with your centilitres and your millilitres"It does death"!
Also, the return of the metric system. One thing I do love about his style is how he keeps bringing back the same things throughout the course of a performance. (Monkeys and bananas and guns!)
I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force - which is strong within me - even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor…" "No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on." "Oh I see, the food is hot. I'm sorry I, I did not realise. Hah hah! I thought you were challenging me to a fight to the death."Love the death-by-tray bit, and poor resigned Vader. And wet trays! So. true!
"This is the Deathstar. You're in the Deathstar. I run this star." "This is a star?" "This is a fucking star - I run it. I'm your boss." "You're Mr Stephens?" "No, I'm… who is Mr Stephens?" "He's head of catering." "I'm not head of catering! I am Vader. I can kill catering with a thought." "What?" "I can kill you all. I can kill me with a thought. Just… I'll get a tray, fuck it!
Afterward we watched some of the commentary track. He has less of an accent, makes me wonder if his "main" accent in performances is as much of an affectation as all the other voices he does.
He doesn't research? *cries* (I Googled and yes, it is Pope Pius XII with the Holocaust.)
One wonders what the point of this commentary track was. I mean, even he seems to think it's rather a farce. And it's 2 years after he's done the show and he hasn't rewatched it before doing the commentary track so his scatteredness really comes through.