Ah, ensemble casts playing poker. (::cough::TNG::cough::)*
JOSH: Sam, I'm going back to the office, they've got the commerce report ready for me. What are you doing?
SAM: I was gonna go home.
JOSH: Sam, I'm going back to the office, they've got the commerce report ready for me. What are you doing?
SAM: I'm going to go back to your office with you and make sure you understand the commerce report.
JOSH: Thank you.
SAM: When I get through with you you're gonna know everything there is to know about standard data versus sampling data in the census.
TOBY: Does anybody have a copy of the Constitution? [No one responds.] This is discouraging.
The Internet wasn't nearly as big then (1999) as it is now, was it? Though he does explicitly reference amazon.com*
C.J.'s the Press Secretary. It's practically her job to fake it. I said that and Eric responded, "And she's a woman. So she's used to faking it."*
"I will throw you out that window," I deadpanned.
He said he was just picking up the line, which I do validate.
DONNA: We have a 32 billion dollar surplus for the first time in three decades.
DONNA: Republicans in Congress want to use this money for tax relief right?
DONNA: Essentially what they're saying is, they wanna give back the money.
DONNA: Why don't we wanna give back the money?
JOSH: 'Cause we're Democrats.
DONNA: But it's not the government's money!
JOSH: Sure it is. It's right there in our bank account.
DONNA: That's only because we collected more money than we ended up needing.
JOSH: Isn't it great?
DONNA: I want my money back.
DONNA: We're not done with this.
JOSH: I didn't think so.
Donna's kind of a dumb blonde, and Josh is kind of a jerk, but I love the way this exchange totally takes jabs at the Democratic party. (Hi, Libertarian here. Except not so much the official party.) I also really like how she throws it back at him later.JOSH: Did he say what it was about?
DONNA: No. What's wrong with me getting my money back?
JOSH: You won't spend it right.
DONNA: What do you mean?
JOSH: Let's say your cut of the surplus is $700. I want to take your money, combine it with everyone else's money and use it to pay down the debt and further endow social security. What do you want to do with it?
DONNA: Buy a DVD player.
DONNA: But my $700 is helping to employ the people who manufacture and sell DVD players, not to mention the people who manufacture and sell DVDs. It's the natural evolution of the market economy.
JOSH: The problem is, the DVD player you buy might be made in Japan.
DONNA: I'll buy an American one.
JOSH: We don't trust you.
DONNA: Why not?
JOSH: We're Democrats.
DONNA: I want my money back!
JOSH: You shouldn't have voted for us.
DONNA [enters with a box] Sandwiches.
JOSH: Thank you, Donna. Defending virtue is hungry work.
DONNA: I'll be at my desk.
JOSH: Ah, Donna?
JOSH: How much were the sandwiches?
JOSH: I gave you a twenty!
DONNA: Yes. As it turns out you actually gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you.
JOSH: That was nice. That was a little parable.
DONNA: I want my money back. [leaves]
BARTLET: Well, you know, just trying to kill me isn't necessarily evidence of being mentally unbalanced!
JOSH: While we're at it, the tile in my shower could use re-grouting.
MANDY: Could somebody please remind me what's in this for us?
TOBY: Power zones, US rail, and Federal funding for 100,000 new public school teachers.
MANDY: Thank you.
GLADMAN: Mandy, if I'd known you were going to be here I would have brought my sword and shield.
MANDY: Champagne and flowers would've done the trick.
TOBY: This represents the latest draft of the House Appropriations Bill. It is 7,000 pages long, and weighs over 55 pounds. It includes 1.2 million dollars for a lettuce geneticist in Salinas, California and 1.7 million dollars for manure handling in Starkville, Mississippi.
GLADMAN: Toby, you know that's what happens.
GLADMAN: I thought we were here to talk about the census?
JOSH: We are. The White House just wanted to take this opportunity to point out that you're criminals and despots.
GLADMAN: Thank you.
JOSH: No problem.
GLADMAN: But that's not going to stop the President from signing the bill into law?
JOSH: No, sadly it won't. What will stop the President from signing the bill is
the amendment your committee is offering on the census.
TOBY: I would like to emphasize the long floor fight of it all, and remind you that I have absolutely no conscience when it comes to exploiting the fact that you have non-refundable airline tickets for the weekend. With that in mind...
MALLORY: But you're gonna look for a place right? I can help you out on the weekends.
LEO: Mallory, this thing with your mother and me... it'll blow over.
MALLORY: No, it won't Dad. You understand that right?
He really really doesn't want to admit that. Which is so painful -- and which also makes it so much more powerful when he argues back to the President later.LEO: Good evening Mr. President.
It doesn't work like that. Eric was all "No, the President's right; he should at least try."
I like that Bartlet realizes that it doesn't work like that and later we get:
BARTLET: Hi. Before, when I was being an idiot, there was something I forgot to say.
BARTLET: I'm sorry.
LEO: Thank you.
BARTLET: I would like unanimous consent to revise and extend my remarks.
LEO: Without objection.
JOSH: Tonight. We'll go to a bar in Georgetown. We'll speak as men do.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Josh, aren't you a little old to be leering at college coeds?
JOSH: I'm a Fulbright scholar Mrs. Landingham. I don't leer. Also, there'll be plenty of grad students there.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Oh well. Good then.
JOSH: The man is like a camp counselor.
Does it not even occur to him that they could be lying to him? Okay, it turns out that Bartlet was just slightly misled, but still. Maybe I'm just a bad person that my immediate reaction to Mallory's "He said you should take us with you." was "You're totally lying." Sidenote: Mallory's prettier than Zoey, but I really like Zoey's whole beret getup.*
C.J.: But if sampling's really against the law, why would Congress be trying to pass legislation saying sampling's against the law?
SAM: You see how good it feels to understand what you're talking about?
C.J.: And you see I'm able to do it without being patronizing?
SAM: What happened to 'You look good today?'
C.J.: I got over it.
JOSH [comes in] Sam?
JOSH: I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.
SAM: Sounds good.
C.J.: I like beer.
JOSH: If you want to come... I guess that'd be okay.
C.J.: Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet.
JOSH: Whatever. I'll see you later. [leaves]
TOBY: The article is arcane.
SKINNER: Come on, Toby. The article is not arcane.
TOBY: Let's take a look at it.
SKINNER: No. No. We don't have time-
TOBY: Let's take a look at it!
GLADMAN: Toby! None of us is a Constitutional scholar. And we honestly don't-
MANDY: It's not gonna take long!
TOBY: My staff managed to unearth a copy.
SKINNER: Toby, come on, we've been here for six-
TOBY: Mandy, would you read please from Article 1 Section 2?
GLADMAN: This is silly!
TOBY: Still, in all it is the owner's manual and we should read what it has to say!
SKINNER: Well you said it right there. It says which shall be determined by the whole number of persons. The whole number of persons! Not the end of an equation that some statistician got off a computer. It says so right there!
TOBY: Actually that's not what it says.
SKINNER: What do you mean?
TOBY: Mandy left out a few words. Didn't she, Mr. Willis?
TOBY: Mr. Willis teaches 8th grade Social Studies, and Mr. Willis knows very well what the article says. It says which shall be determined by adding the whole number of free persons. And three fifths of all other persons. Three fifths of all other persons. They meant you Mr. Willis. Didn't they?
GLADMAN: Well, I think we're through here. I can report back to the Chairman of my committee, but I really don't think either he or the leadership is going to allow any one of us to change our vote.
The idea that they are so bound by orders makes me v. uncomfortable. I mean, I dislike the electoral college, and sometimes the Party system makes me uncomfortable, and I get that Reps are supposed to vote reflective of their constituency (which I think is a very difficult balance) but phrases about people allowing someone to change their vote is so creepy.TOBY: If you don't mind me asking sir, what changed your mind?
WILLIS: What do you mean?
TOBY: Well, I know it wasn't expediency sir. I was wondering what changed your mind?
WILLIS: You did. I thought you made a very strong argument.
TOBY: Well thank you. [laughs] I'm smiling because, well, around here the merits of a particular argument generally take a back seat to political tactics.
WILLIS: I can imagine.
WILLIS: It worked on me.
TOBY: I was taking advantage of you sir.
WILLIS: I know.
TOBY: There are some things I did not mention. First of all, it is partisan. Second of all, I'm not wild about the precedent.
WILLIS: You mean?
TOBY: What's to stop us from saying we don't need elections, we'll just use polling
data. 1150 people with the sampling error of plus or minus three will decide who
runs the country.
Charlie to the rescue... then Sam... then Josh with the panic button.BARTLET: Well anyway. Thank you for doing whatever it was you did.
JOSH: As a matter of fact, I didn't do anything. But for what it's worth I should tell you that Charlie didn't blink before he put his body between danger and Zoey.
CHARLIE: There were no two guys that either one of you could have taken.
GUY 2 [indicating Josh] Hey, I recognize this guy. [indicating Zoey] And she looks familiar too.
JOSH: Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.
GUY 1: Oh really, and who's gonna give it to us huh?
AGENT: Federal Agents!
[As Secret Service Agents pour through the door, Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys near the bar.]
SAM and JOSH: Right here!
[The Agents push the three guys against the bar as another agent ushers Zoey out.]
AGENT: Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.
GUY 1 [to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you Sammy.
CHARLIE: My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball, you'll blow your splendid Spring Break in a Federal Prison.
[The Agents take the guys out of the bar.]
CHARLIE [to Josh] NOW I'm having a good time.
Of course, Zoey can never go to that bar ever again. (At least not without everyone knowing she's the President's daughter. Which, admittedly, most of Georgetown will probably know within a week of her arrival anyway.) Points to her for giving a fake name.*
BARTLET: Charlie, you a good poker player?
CHARLIE: No sir.
BARTLET: Excellent, get your money out and take a seat.
C.J. [enters] Is Josh being punished?
BARTLET: Punished? No.
C.J.: May I ask why not?
BARTLET: Because I said so.
TOBY: I understand you all had a very interesting evening.
TOBY: So did I.
JOSH: What happened?
TOBY: I met an unusual man.
BARTLET: C.J., deal the cards.
TOBY: He didn't walk into the room with a political agenda. He didn't walk in with his mind made up. He genuinely wanted to do what he thought was best. He didn't mind saying the words I don't know.
C.J.: I said I don't know to Sam just this morning and I'd like to say I'm a better person for it. By the way, I now know everything there is to know about the census. Go ahead, you can ask me anything.
BARTLET: How many people live in the United States?
[C.J. could not respond.]
SAM: There's some material we haven't covered yet.