Tags: spiritual journey

Giles on a horse, need i say more? [muzakgurrl]

"living for something I can't even define"

Why do I seem insistent on not actually doing my job (or anything productive, for that matter)?  Like, am I actually self-destructive?

I was looking at St. Anthony medals and thereby looking at chaplets, and it reminded me of a conversation I'd had last night where a friend was saying it seemed really excessive to him when people go to Mass every single morning, and I had said that some people feel connected to God at church so maybe that's why they want to go.  We quickly got sidetracked onto other topics of religion and faith, and I don't know how well I would have been able to maintain a sustained defense of the practice, since it comes under my umbrella of "weird Catholic stuff," but skimming the chaplets I was thinking about how it's valuable to have a structure to keep your mind on God and goodness and etc. (see also Jewish purity laws, forcing you to be aware of God in all the mundane moments of your daily life) and how wow, if people/I went to church every morning... starting each day with a reminder of God's grace (and justice), that could be incredibly powerful.

"God is good, all the time." / "All the time, God is good."

***

ASL class tonight.

The sign for "dorm" is the sign for "home" except with a "d."  I thought of how Smith calls its student domiciles "houses" and so the ASL sign for "dorm" would almost be more accurate than the sign for "house," but then how would you differentiate from actual dorms like at UMass?  I was telling all this to Will, and I said maybe it would be in the facial expressions, demonstrating signing with a pleased look on my face and saying "Dorms at Smith" and then repeating but with kind of an unimpressed look, "Dorms at UMass."  He kind of laughed at me and said, "You always smile when you talk about Smith."

We learned more family and direction/location words, and I got to be smart 'cause I knew how to say "Massachusetts."  I still really don't like spatial stuff, though.  Alberto drew a picture of a neighborhood on the board (well, he said it was a town, but "neighborhood" was my first thought; I didn't actually think to ask the sign for that), including a bus, which he sketched graffiti on :)

I think it is lame that "apartment" is "APT" -- also, awkward, though you can actually move from the P to the T in one fluid motion.

We learned "Boston" and "P-town" (of course!) and "Cape Cod" and "Cambridge."

The sign for "roommate" is much like first sign in "vending machine," so Will was joking about "roommate machine."

The sign for girlfriend/boyfriend is "girl" or "boy" plus "friend," or instead of "friend" you can put your fists together with thumbs out, wiggling toward each other, which totally makes me think of video game controllers, even though I assume it's supposed to be a kissy thing.  This lends itself nicely to "personfriend," but "wife" and "husband" less so, so I asked the sign for "spouse."

Interesting, the signs for "niece"/"nephew" and "cousin" are neutral -- you can do them anywhere near your face and it's not expected that you're indicating gender.

I like the signs for "sleep" and "wake" a lot.  Have I mentioned before that I like that one of the signs for "ask" is like prayer hands ("pray/er" is a different motion)?  The sign for "life" is two L's moving up your torso, which made me wonder about the sign for "resurrection."  aslpro has two signs, the second of which I prefer; I'll have to ask Kirk at some point.
moon house

"Then sings my soul..."

The weather today has been just beautiful.  Walking back from CWM this evening it was just starting to rain, which is a lovely feeling, and I love the smell of rain on pavement.  When I went to the gym on Saturday it was like the b-school campus had been flooded or something, but that mud smell was great.

Before service at CWM tonight, I had started to read the bulletin and then heard Trevanna call my name.  I looked up to see Mark (sitting behind her) waving piteously.  Apparently I was ignoring him :)  It was a really nice feeling -- that people want my company.

Tiffany also said we should do coffee again, which lifted my heart.  I said it would have to be a little later than last time 'cause I've been going to the gym after work.  I said that it took me forever to actually start going, despite its convenience, and now I'm like, "Oh, this is so easy; it only cuts an hour out of my day," and yet I can't manage to do my Medieval Church reading or even spend ten minutes each morning in Scripture.  She said she thinks working out can be a spiritual thing -- wholeness etc. and said she's never been able to meditate while at the gym, but...  I said that my mom had talked about getting into a contemplative space at the gym and I can't do that but that I have been making a conscious effort to when I'm walking (which I am a lot) to instead of obsessively planning to really try to be in prayer.  [I also thought, though I did not mention, that "wholeness" seems to have become my big theme in trying to deal with spirituality.]

I'm starting to feel just a little bit like I'm actually living this spiritual journey (as opposed to doing lots of unconnected intellectual engagement -- and thus am feeling a little but more at peace with all the as-yet-unfinished to-do-list items related to all that learning).

***

In other news, I got an e-mail today.
The annual Boston Gay & Lesbian Film & Video Festival at Museum of Fine Arts, Boston is right around the corner, May 9-20. Film selections & schedule will be available within the coming weeks at www.mfa.org.
I am sad that one of the weekends of the festival is Reunion since I'm already limited as to when I can go what with church stuff -- the e-mail was about volunteering during the festival and I'm not even sure I can swing that, though I suppose I might look into it.  That it is coming up makes me feel a bit guilty that I still have unfinished writeups from when I went last year, but the existence of the festival makes me really happy.
train

revelation

Discussing Q source, "pastoral application," etc. with sk8eeyore, I realized that if I'm being honest about my goals and motivations for religion-related study: I know how I think of God, and I want to "prove" -- insomuch as one is able -- that I am right.

Edit: On further reflection, I'm far less certain about Jesus, so a lot of my textual interrogation interest is in figuing out just what does mesh with historical data and my gut on that score.

And in explaining my beliefs to sk8eeyore I found myself surprisingly open to Joel K.'s God-on-a-learning-curve -- which may change at a moment's notice. Why can't I find that lush imagery God/Lucifer Creation fic I read a while back -- and which I can visualize but which I can't recall sufficient keywords to Google.

I've really gotta get all my beliefs/opinions written down so that I don't make flip generalizations that turn out to not really mesh with what I think when I'm being more thorough.

But the fact that my main motivation is to prove that I am right remains true of my approach to everything, even when I'm still figuring out just what I do think.

/edit